Club Who Received 0 Applications Brags About Its Extremely Low Acceptance Rate

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The beginning of each semester is filled with students vying for acceptances into the ranks of Cornell’s most competitive extracurricular organizations. This semester, the Cornell Startup Fund For High Potential Future Entrepreneurs (CSF^2HPFE) appears to have claimed the title of lowest acceptance rate, after receiving exactly zero applications. 

“Every semester we face the tough decision of deciding which of our qualified applicants are talented enough to join CSF^2HPFE. It always hurts to reject an applicant, but I hope seeing just how low our acceptance rate was this semester, it will motivate them to try harder and beat the odds the next time around,” stated club president Drew Branfield ‘22. 

Applying for CSF^2HPFE consists of an intensive five part process that includes a letter of recommendation, written essay, three rounds of interviews, and two-day survival retreat. 

“As soon as I’d heard of CSF^2HPFE I thought it would be the perfect fit for me,” says Alex Ferber ‘23, founder of a biomedical device startup that went public in 2021, “I’d even gotten Jack Dorsey from Twitter to write a letter of recommendation. But after hearing about Drew’s achievements [Founder of CSF^2HPFE, Dean’s List All Semesters] I didn’t know if I’d done enough to warrant applying.”

The club, established in 2018, prides itself on attracting only the most driven, innovative, and revolutionary students in the business sphere, evident by its current membership consisting of Branfield ‘22, and Kyle Branfield ‘24, Drew Branfield’s younger brother.

Future Corporate Leaders Show Job Readiness by Ignoring the Well-being of Anyone on Campus but Themselves

SAGE HALL—Students of the S.C. Johnson Graduate School of Management recently showed how business school has prepared them for Fortune 500 leadership positions by demonstrating a complete lack of compassion and putting Cornell at the brink of shutdown from COVID-19.

“Originally, we were worried that this pandemic, and the emphasis on the heroic efforts of essential workers and everyday people, would make it harder to find a crop of MBAs willing to starve workers at the behest of shareholders,” said Marvin Westley ‘84, an executive of a leading manufacturing company. “Fortunately, the past year has obviously had no effect on these promising graduate students, who are partying and drinking as if the 2.7 million global deaths meant nothing to them. This shows exactly the type of selfish ignorance and disregard for their peers that will serve them well in the world of business.”

The global pandemic has created an unprecedented increase in income inequality, as billionaires such as Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk have made billions of dollars as the rest of humanity faced record unemployment and suffering. As aspiring CEOs, these figures are nothing compared to the trillions likely to be leeched off of the working class by current MBA students. The university’s response, placing Johnson entirely online, has students unsurprised.

“Honestly, we knew this was coming,” admitted James McAllan (MBA ‘21). “It’s so much easier to cheat on online tests, you don’t even have to trick a proctor or anything. This is dope, we’re sending COVID to the moon! Do you know how many job offers I’ve gotten since that picture of me doing body shots at a max-occupancy frat party went online? I can’t say for sure, but if the interview goes well, you’re looking at the next Social Media Manager at Amazon.”

At time of reporting, President Martha Pollack has released a statement condemning the students’ actions, a letter that McAllan says just proves that Pollack “doesn’t understand basic economics.”

Unemployed but Determined Senior Adds “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to LinkedIn Headline

COLLEGETOWN—Confident that it will give him the edge he needs after an underwhelming and fruitless job search, Dalton Pearce ’20, indicated he is eager to receive any and all job offers by adding “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to his LinkedIn headline.

“‘Seeking: Job’ sounds too stiff and formal, and ‘Please, I’m Just Looking For A Chance’ is borderline desperate,” explained Pearce, wondering what two to five word phrase could walk the line between last-resort and enthusiastic optimism. “I was thinking about going all out and having it say ‘Intended Incoming Employed Person,’ but I feel good about this middle ground.”

Pearce’s friends tell him his efforts may be better directed towards interview prep or applying to graduate school. However, the resilient senior is confident that his future employer will be handpicking new hires based on their most inspired LinkedIn Headline, and that this updated online presence will seal the deal for him. Pearce went on to say that “besides, resumes are just supposed to direct you towards your LinkedIn anyway, right?”

Shortly after receiving the seventh straight rejection email, Pearce reportedly doubled-down on his job hunt efforts and updated his LinkedIn Headline to “Visionary. Thinker. Dreamer.”

Pre-Professional Fraternity Lowers Acceptance Rate to Zero Percent

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—The Kappa Chapter of Delta Iota Kappa Pre-Finance Fraternity has announced they have lowered acceptance into the fraternity for the fifth year in a row, taking zero applicants into their Fall 2018 pledge class.

Fraternity President Harrison Kennedy III explained the decision in an email to rushes.

“Unfortunately, none of you were able to meet the standard necessary for entry into this illustrious organization and access to our perks,” it read, “including a Brooks Brothers tab and the guarantee of at least one friend who has an uncle who’s a VP at Goldman Sachs.”

Many brothers of the Kappa chapter are excited by the move to turn away every single one of the five hundred applicants. “Besides us all vacationing in the same part of the Hamptons, the pure rush of power we get by rejecting our peers is the glue that holds this organization together,” said brother Paul Bush V. “I know I will be wearing my letters around campus a lot more now.”

Other pre-professional fraternities are expected to make similar changes to protect their own elite reputations, which will bring down membership in such groups to an estimated three by spring of 2022.

New MBA Center Offers Classes Conveniently Located Next To Proper Puss

COLLEGETOWN— To the delight of students and faculty across campus, the recently-opened Johnson School building in Collegetown provides a new class setting and study space adjacent to Ithaca’s most popular waxing spot.

“I love being able get my monthly Brazilian only steps away from my first class,” said Madeline West, MBA ‘18 as she gazed fondly at Proper Puss through a window during her project team meeting.

The state-of-the-art Breazzano Center for Business Education is affixed with multiple stories of classrooms and a glass facade, offering a perfectly clear view of the iconic hair-removal establishment.

“I had to stay covered up during Spring Break last year because mowing the lawn was just so out of the way, if you know what I mean,” explained Bethany Little ‘19. “Now, it’s conveniently right across the street from my favorite study spot!”

Continuing to make the most important parts of student life more accessible, the University announced its exciting plan to erect another academic hub directly across from the Collegetown liquor store.

Money-Making Programs Unite to Make Money-Making University More Money

STATLER HALL – The three money-making programs at Cornell , the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management, and the Johnson Graduate School of Management, will officially combine to make the money-making university even more money.

President Garrett, who already makes a lot of money from overseeing a well-endowed institution, claims that combining these money-making programs will draw scholars who want to make money in the future to the university that will help them make more money in the future.

The administration has also assured that New York State residing students, who were worried that they may have to pay more money upon hearing the news, will continue to not spend as much money to attend the Dyson School compared students in other money-making majors.

Critics of this idea to make money are saying that combining the three money-making programs into one giant money-making college will in fact not make more money, as it risks the money the programs normally make from large money donations from alumni who have made a lot of money.

Despite this, President Garrett is confident that her plans to make more money for the money-making university will succeed, but still has no plans to spend that money on better toilet paper.

Garrett Commissions New College of Business for Engineering Students to Transfer Into

DAY HALL — President Elizabeth Garrett announced this past weekend the creation of the new Cornell College of Business, an amalgamation of the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics & Management and the Samuel Curtis Johnson Graduate School of Management. This new college will serve as a revolutionary new program which engineering students can transfer into once they feel sufficiently overwhelmed.

“We believe our engineering students should have every opportunity possible to not pursue engineering,” said Provost Michael Kotlikoff in an email to students reminding them that if they want to make good money after school and don’t care how, the College of Business is always a viable option.

Students and faculty are ambivalent about the consequences of the College of Business, much in the same way the administration is ambivalent about the direction of the college. fearing that the number of engineers transferring to CALS will dwindle. However, many are excited at the idea of becoming world industry leaders without having to study fluid dynamics or embedded systems.

“I for one wish the business school was around when I was an undergrad,” said Gary Steinbach ’97, “then I could’ve been a big-shot CEO, but now all I’m doing is robotics at NASA. I used to have dreams, you know.”

Though engineers may see a silver lining in the new school, not everyone has life so easy, such as the hotelies forced into the program, who are still trying to figure out what else there could possibly be to administer.