LIBE SLOPE— In one of their most desperate pleas for attention to date, the Student Assembly has decided to meddle in Slope Day, cordially inviting one of the most commercially successful bands of all time to work unpaid for a bunch of undergraduates behind the backs of actual event organizers. “Planning Slope Day on a…
ITHACA—In a stunning reversal of university policies and practices, Cornell has finally taken action to address the allegations that Cornell students disproportionately experience depression, compared to their peers at other colleges. It’s no secret that many Cornellians are overwhelmed, stressed, and/or depressed, and for decades the student body has appealed to the school to get…
BOULDER, COLORADO—In their preparations to perform at Slope Day, Big Gigantic members Dominic Lalli and Jeremy Salken have become freshly motivated by the possibility of their concert being commemorated in forty years by the Cornell Chimes. “Every time I’ve gone through my set over the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the different ways…
BARTON HALL – The Cornell Concert Commission is excited to announce that Canadian pop-singer and viral sensation Carly Rae Jepsen is is scheduled to perform at Barton Hall, maybe. “We’re truly delighted to have Carly Rae performing at our own Barton Hall,” stated CCC executive director Ryan Enderby, “Be sure to grab your tickets early…
BARTON HALL – In excited anticipation for their Saturday night concert, reports indicate that the indie-electronic band Passion Pit has been pouring over their own music nonstop in an attempt to learn the lyrics to their songs. “Wow, we’re pretty hard to understand, aren’t we? There’s no way we’re going to be able to sing…
