LIBE SLOPE— In one of their most desperate pleas for attention to date, the Student Assembly has decided to meddle in Slope Day, cordially inviting one of the most commercially successful bands of all time to work unpaid for a bunch of undergraduates behind the backs of actual event organizers.
“Planning Slope Day on a limited budget is a huge task, and we appreciate everyone who has worked on it thus far,” said SA Representative Alina Clapton ‘22. “There are so many considerations to make, like payment, security, event timing, and more. Our solution was not to consider any of those things and treat this like a third grade birthday party clown reservation.”
Beyond the absurdity of the proposal itself, one final hurdle exists to getting the band back together: two of the four members passed away decades ago, including the addressee of the SA’s gambit. The Assembly’s legislation accounts for this, however, offering the band “their lifelong gratitude” if the band could find it within themselves to defeat death itself. Leaders of the Slope Day Programming Board have expressed their distaste at this move.
“What the fuck?” asked Slope Day planner Alex Lammers ‘22. “First of all, what the hell makes them think they can just make changes to our event without asking us? I thought the SA was insufferable when they took themselves seriously, but those power-hungry resume padders are even worse when they pretend to be funny. Even if the Beatles return from the dead, that means extra security and a ton of extra costs. And the music would suck! Who wants to hear a bunch of 70-year olds sing about holding hands and being British?”
Responding to requests for comment, representatives claimed that they were “close personal friends and enthusiasts of John” and promised to consider the concerns of event planners, unless of course that consideration meant anything that would negatively impact their resume.
ITHACA—In a stunning reversal of university policies and practices, Cornell has finally taken action to address the allegations that Cornell students disproportionately experience depression, compared to their peers at other colleges. It’s no secret that many Cornellians are overwhelmed, stressed, and/or depressed, and for decades the student body has appealed to the school to get their mental health needs met, to no avail. Hell, take a look around campus and you’ll see just how bad it’s become. Like four out of every ten kids you see looks like Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh and those are the ones who leave their rooms!
All of these kids are clearly not getting what they want, but on February 13th, all of that will change with the first clear acknowledgement from Cornell that they see their depressed students. On Saturday, Cornell will host a virtual concert, but not with just any artist. Not with an artist whose music requires seamless brain chemistry to enjoy, but with the patron saint of depressed people under the age of 30: Phoebe Bridgers, whose music is most compatible with breakups, mourning, and a Prozac prescription.
Hot on the heels of the Grammy-nominated Punisher, Bridgers is bringing her angelic voice, charming instrumentals, and emotionally-devastating lyrics to the laptop screens of Cornell students. Long before your QAnon-loving uncle was on Facebook posting his outrage at her guitar smashing, Bridgers was making a name for herself in the Indie scene with her poignant musings, providing adolescents with a soul-crushing soundtrack for the lows of young adulthood. As she makes her meteoric rise, Bridgers has an ever expanding discography that while quite popular with many other groups, seems to be loved most fervently by one group: bummed out motherfuckers. Joining the ranks of Buying Houseplants, Not Folding Their Laundry, and Staring At The Ceiling, Listening To Phoebe Bridgers has become one of the favorite activities among depressed people (ousting and replacing Listening To Bon Iver in the process). Across the vast spectrum of Sad Boys, the sharp pain of her music hits in a different way when the listener has hit a low point in life and is unfortunately able to relate to “Motion Sickness”..
Cornell enlisting Bridgers is a unique moment in which an unflinching, faceless monolith gave its mentally ill little tuition-payers something they like for once: an artist all depressed people love. In fact, if Phoebe sings “Chinese Satellite,” it might be the university’s most successful mental health initiative to date. It’s truly historic to think we not only get to witness Cornell acknowledge mental health needs among students in a preemptive way for a change but do so with a customized concert and Q&A with one of the finest artists for the emotionally unstable today.
BOULDER, COLORADO—In their preparations to perform at Slope Day, Big Gigantic members Dominic Lalli and Jeremy Salken have become freshly motivated by the possibility of their concert being commemorated in forty years by the Cornell Chimes.
“Every time I’ve gone through my set over the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the different ways Cornell’s 21-bell chime could eventually reproduce our unique fusion of jazz and hip-hop,” said Lalli, who believes that while his band may not be as popular as the Grateful Dead, the additions of MisterWives, Basstracks, and S’Natra will make Thursday’s Slope Day performance just as iconic as The Dead’s 1977 show.
“Also, if the chimesmasters need help choosing what songs to play, I’ve taken the time to select six from our vast collection of classic hits that would appeal to both passersby and the Big Gigantic megafans who will inevitably travel from all over to attend,” the confident musician added. “Of course, they may also want to play some songs we write in the forty years between now and the concert.”
When asked for comment, a representative for Cornell Chimes replied apologetically that their 2057 commemorative concert is already scheduled to be in honor of Gucci Mane.
BARTON HALL – The Cornell Concert Commission is excited to announce that Canadian pop-singer and viral sensation Carly Rae Jepsen is is scheduled to perform at Barton Hall, maybe.
“We’re truly delighted to have Carly Rae performing at our own Barton Hall,” stated CCC executive director Ryan Enderby, “Be sure to grab your tickets early because it’s going to be an absolute blast, possibly. We’re still unsure, this is a little crazy.”
Carly Rae Jepsen skyrocketed onto the pop scene in 2012, and fans can expect to hear all of the great new hits from her latest album Emotion, perhaps. “We’re such huge Carly fans and we’d love to see her perform, but hey, if not then it’s like whatever,” exclaimed Sophomores Emma Pollusky and Cynthia Herrera.
At press time, sources report that, though she has only been on campus for a few hours setting up, she definitely really really likes us.
BARTON HALL – In excited anticipation for their Saturday night concert, reports indicate that the indie-electronic band Passion Pit has been pouring over their own music nonstop in an attempt to learn the lyrics to their songs.
“Wow, we’re pretty hard to understand, aren’t we? There’s no way we’re going to be able to sing along to every song at this concert,” said band member Michael Angelakos to the rest of the music group, as they waited for a Spotify ad to finish so they could start listening to their hit song “Sleepyhead”.
“ ‘Of your eyes, begonia skies like a sleepyhead?’ Who knew that’s what we said there! I never would have guessed that. We’re so screwed for Saturday night.”
It was later stated that if the band couldn’t memorize the lyrics in time, at least they all knew the instrumental parts to the really popular songs and could hum or whistle if they needed.