Cornell Dining Ranked Tenth in the Nation with Rusty’s Cafe, Fifth in the Nation Without

ITHACA, NY—Once again, Cornell students can proudly claim they have access to one of the best dining programs across the nation. The university marked a special case for the Princeton Review’s Great Campus Food ranking list, qualifying as tenth in the nation with the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe and fifth in the nation without. 

A representative from the Princeton Review had more to say on the matter: “As you recall, our rankings are based on the opinions of current students. We typically try to publish one consistent number, but a significant number of students wrote in saying that the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe should lower Cornell’s final ranking.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the food at Cornell. Terrace never misses and I’m a loyal fan of Temple of Zeus. But the moment I walk by that sad little Rusty’s Cafe sign outside of Uris, I want to throw up,” explained Jan Franzia ‘22, one of the students who wrote to the Princeton Review. “To be honest I’ve never been, but something about the vibes are off.” 

Cornell Dining also released a statement in response to the ranking: “We are excited to announce that our dining system has been ranked in the nation’s top ten for the eighth consecutive year. We pride ourselves on a world class culinary experience. Unless you consider Rusty’s Cafe. Then we consider ourselves pretty decent.”

Cornell also beat out fierce competition to win the number one position in the rankings of “Best Private Land Grant Universities Founded Between 1860-1870”, “Top Ivy League Universities in Upstate New York”, and “Best Universities With a Campus Spanning Approximately 4,800 Acres, Nicknames Referencing the Color Red, and a Fall 2021 Enrollment of 25,593 Students”

OP-ED: My Hand Brushed Against Another Student’s In Okenshields, Should I Get Married Or Contact Traced?

OKENSHIELDS 一 Let me paint you a picture. There I am, alone, in Okenshields on a Tuesday night, preparing for a hearty meal in the line for stir fry and rice. My mind is wholly on food, and I am ravenous. My plan, executed to perfection numerous times hence, is to grab my meal, retreat to the safety of my table in the corner, eat, and leave. Alas, God sees the plans of man and laughs. Reaching out for the spoon to scoop my jasmine rice, another hand brushes up against my own, in a soft, warm caress that sends shivers down my spine. Thoughts spiral through my head of marriage and growing old together with this stranger. Yet I hear a cough at the same time, from the same general direction of the caress. I am now racked with a crisis of conscience: should my next move be to profess my love for this soft-handed seductress or procure a supplemental test at the earliest opportunity?

 

My gut instinct is to follow the former course of action. After all, how many true opportunities for love are we granted in one lifetime, and what man can afford to let them slide? You must understand that I have not felt the touch of a woman in many months, and that as the pandemic falls under control, I am tempted to reenter the romantic scene in person. I cannot abide another year filing out the Perfect Match survey only to discover a lack of chemistry in person. So on these rare occasions I must seize my chance and make my feelings known, right?

 

On the other hand, a positive COVID test could harm this and any future opportunities for courtship. What if, in avoiding the dangers of disease, I miss another chance down the line? What if I get more people sick and settle for someone not right for me? What if this relationship leads to disaster in such a way that I may never love again? As with the ripples of a leaf on the surface of a lake, one can never fully anticipate the consequences of unintended action, nor can man truly count himself a master of his own fate.

 

As I consider, in thorough detail, how to make my next move, I feel the glare of my peers, and look up into the piercing, emerald-green eyes of my potential lover. “Dude, you’re holding up the line,” she says, grasping the rice spoon. I walk away dejected, riceless, selecting my appointment on DailyCheck. Fate has once more conspired against me, and I was but a hapless spectator to the machinations of love.

Cornell Dining Unveils Corned Beef and Cabbage Infused Water for St. Patrick’s Day

OKENSHIELDS—To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this Saturday, Cornell Dining has proudly revealed an exciting take on a traditional Irish staple. An attempt to bring “cultural fusion” to the table, corned beef and cabbage infused water is anticipated to tie together the rich flavors of a holiday meal.

“At Cornell Dining, our two primary goals are promoting cultural understanding through diverse culinary experiences and flavoring water,” said Head Chef Barron Lardman. “We just throw some peaches or avocado into a dispenser and the kids gobble it up. This St. Patrick’s Day, we thought ‘fuck it, lets plop in an entire entreé—this will certainly give them a taste of Ireland.’”

Infused water is usually offered in refreshing flavors like cucumber mint and citrus, a stark contrast from the corned beef and cabbage essence that proved lukewarm in both temperature and reception.

“They promised that the St. Patty’s Day-themed drink would transport us straight to the rolling green hills of Ireland,” said Amy Flippensen, “but I feel like I’ve been transported to a pool of my own post-dinner spit. Couldn’t they have served the meal without soaking it in water first?”

Sources confirmed that the chefs at Cornell Dining have already come up with future seasonal beverages, including mayo for Cinco de Mayo, raw eggs for Easter, and a titillating Viagra infusion for Father’s Day.

Nasties Features French Menu to Boost Dining Ratings

LES NÉCESSITÉS DE L’OURS— Responding to a lower ranking on the latest college dining reviews, the culinary team behind the counter at Nasties decided to rewrite the menu entirely in French to boost their ratings.

“It’s the same old Nasties we know and love, just organized a little differently with classics like our bâtonnets de mozzarella now featured in the Hors D’oeuvres section,” explained recently-promoted sous chef de cuisine and long-time deep-frier Brenda McGowen. “Rest assured, your late night pépites de poulet from the grillades are going nowhere.”

Sources confirmed that the establishment’s management team has required all staff members to speak exclusively in French to inform patrons when their orders are ready.

“Édouard! ÉDOUARD!!!!” an employee bellowed across the kitchen to a pleasantly confused Ed Walker ’19. “Vos frites sont prêtes!”

Finally satisfied with his Cornell Dining experience, Walker was seen using a plastic fork and knife to cut his chili cheese fries into bite-sized pieces and praising Nasties on Yelp for excellent ambiance.