Cornell Dining Unveils Corned Beef and Cabbage Infused Water for St. Patrick’s Day

OKENSHIELDS—To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this Saturday, Cornell Dining has proudly revealed an exciting take on a traditional Irish staple. An attempt to bring “cultural fusion” to the table, corned beef and cabbage infused water is anticipated to tie together the rich flavors of a holiday meal.

“At Cornell Dining, our two primary goals are promoting cultural understanding through diverse culinary experiences and flavoring water,” said Head Chef Barron Lardman. “We just throw some peaches or avocado into a dispenser and the kids gobble it up. This St. Patrick’s Day, we thought ‘fuck it, lets plop in an entire entreé—this will certainly give them a taste of Ireland.’”

Infused water is usually offered in refreshing flavors like cucumber mint and citrus, a stark contrast from the corned beef and cabbage essence that proved lukewarm in both temperature and reception.

“They promised that the St. Patty’s Day-themed drink would transport us straight to the rolling green hills of Ireland,” said Amy Flippensen, “but I feel like I’ve been transported to a pool of my own post-dinner spit. Couldn’t they have served the meal without soaking it in water first?”

Sources confirmed that the chefs at Cornell Dining have already come up with future seasonal beverages, including mayo for Cinco de Mayo, raw eggs for Easter, and a titillating Viagra infusion for Father’s Day.

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