JAMESON HALL—In a stunning display of heroic political protest, freshman Jacob McCarthy interrupted a lecture on gender studies last night by standing atop his desk and beginning to recite Atlas Shrugged from memory. For his deeds, McCarthy received a presidential medal of honor from George W. Bush, which he wore with pride until waking up…
MCGRAW HALL— In response to the annual pardoning of one lucky turkey for the Thanksgiving holiday, plucky political group “Cornell Republicans” released a seven page Instagram post calling for a reneging on the tradition. “This practice runs afoul of the very ideals on which this glorious nation was founded,” explained Zachary Harker ‘23, club president….
MYRON TAYLOR HALL— After a week of outrage surrounding an interrupted Ann Coulter event led to calls for expulsion, Bobo the Clown has stepped forward to clarify the cause of the dearth of fart noises and clown music. “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry!” exclaimed Bobert Ringling ‘24. “All I’ve heard for the last week…
WEST CAMPUS—In a shocking turn of events, one student’s milktoast European roommate revealed himself to be “like 1/16th Argentinian” as the World Cup began. “My great-great-grandfather lived in Argentina, actually!” explained James Brunner ‘24, in blue face paint and a Lionel Messi jersey. “¡Soy Argentino! I love my country, from the beautiful buildings of Buenos…
My uncompassionate lowlife of a psychology professor obviously does not know even the basics of World War I. Come November, this campus always turns into sludge. It snows, and then the snow melts, and my feet get all wet. These are the conditions the heroes of World War I nobly fought and suffered in. The…
THURSTON AVENUE—Partygoers were perplexed when Phi Alpha Rho doorman Terrance Robinson ‘25 asked them if they had three brothers before admitting them to the event. “I think the guy was kinda in over his head,” said attendee Jared Carlson ‘24. “I thought I’d misheard [Robinson] at first, but he was insistent that I tell him…
Perhaps you have seen their strange advertisements. Perhaps one of them has approached you, pushing their product. God forbid, perhaps a “friend” has dragged you to one of their cult-like ceremonies, and charged you money for the privilege! This problem is top of mind for many Cornellians. The instrumentless menace, the unaccompanied scourge, the A…
MYRON TAYLOR HALL—While most would be thrilled to have such dedicated fans following their career, controversial political pundit Ann Coulter was reportedly “extremely disappointed” that the crowd at her appearance on Wednesday consisted primarily of Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! enthusiasts. “The midterm elections just happened,” the actress, renowned for her Oscar-worthy and emotional performance…
ROSE HOUSE—After a series of dangerous public opinion polls demonstrated that Cornell’s three non-STEM colleges contributed “absolutely nothing positive to society,” the trio of management schools decided to set their differences aside to form a giant super-mech with the strength to defeat any plebes who stand in their way. “People usually think, ‘Oh, ILR, they’re…
BAKER LAB—Chemistry students were overcome by sheer terror Monday morning as they entered Baker 200, which had been transformed into a haunted house by changing absolutely nothing. Stepping through the foreboding double doors, students were confronted by the same sights, sounds, and scents as those of any ordinary chem lecture, but only in the context…
