MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With one day left to study, fashion design student Jennifer Suh ‘24 is freaking the hell out over her impending final with a daunting subject: Zippers.
“I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do,” explained an exasperated Suh. “There is so much I have to shove inside my head right now. I can’t remember which goddamn zipper tooth is the beginning of the zipper, fuck…is it right or left? I do know that the zipper was invented by Whitcomb L. Judson and Gideon Sundback, those fucking wet sorry sacks of fuck are the reason I have to know all this horseshit. And oh my god… My final project is such a mess. It won’t even zip! I am going to crap myself.”
The final exam is a culmination of FSAD 4500: Fasteners and Haberdasheries II, a class that focuses on the different items used to clasp together various kinds of clothing. The breadth of the course is wide, including the historical origins and methods of application of: buttons on coats, buttons on pants, large buttons on coats, large buttons on pants, snap buttons on coats, snap buttons on pants, laces on boots, laces on coats, velcro on sneakers, velcro on coats, and of course, zippers on coats, zippers on pants, zippers on shirts, and zippers on bags.
In an act of desperation, Suh has decided to cut out the zipper from her own pants to present as her final project. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to her, 23 students have received academic integrity violations doing just that, 15 of whom have been expelled.
ROCKEFELLER HALL—After a semester in which the bulk of the material was pushed to the last few days of class, Professor James Kent ‘88 has decided the best solution is to just assume all his students know it anyways and put it all in the final exam.
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t get to this material in class,” explained Professor Kent to his Monday Economics section. “But these six chapters are no more dense than the six chapters we covered in the three months prior to now. Therefore, we should have no trouble skimming through all six in one fifty-minute lecture, holding one office hours section, and then basing sixty percent of your grade on that knowledge I never taught.”
Professor Kent then moved on to a lecture in which he, at the speed of a freshman sprinting across the Arts Quad, described in vague detail everything from GDP calculation to Philips curves to applications of economic theory to modern politics. Students furiously scribbled in notebooks as the professor casually mentioned concepts on which he would base entire free response questions on the class’s cumulative exam in one week.
“Honestly, I got about a third of that,” admitted Matthew Kroger ‘25. “He lost me at the inflation stuff, and I had no idea what to make of the whole Krebs cycle thing. I think he accidentally started teaching us biology there for a few minutes, but I don’t know, maybe it has something to do with supply and demand? Seriously, is this what college is? Like, sure, I haven’t shown up to most of my sections, but I expected better from a tenured professor.” At the time, Professor Kent was giving a one-minute overview of game theory, a topic that would make up about a third of the final exam.
Asked to comment, Professor Kent stated that he is aware that the grades on the final will likely be abysmal, but that he was planning on curving everyone’s grade to a C+ anyways.
MALOTT HALL一Students in MUSIC 2212: History of Classical Composition were left panting in anticipation after Dr. Gregory Schreier announced that he would not release the practice prelim until the day before the exam as punishment for being very, very naughty.
“In my class, if you want the practice exam, you have to earn it,” said Schreier, or BachAndBallTorture69, as he prefers to be addressed online. “I don’t release my practice tests until students are pleading and crying from how bad they need it. Sometimes as a special treat I wait until they’re all riled up, and then I delete all information about the exam entirely.”
Flushed and shaking MUSIC 2212 students revealed between gasps that this was the latest in a long line of sadistic behavior on Schreier’s part.
“I’d long suspected this class was some sort of elaborate power trip, but I never thought it would get this bad,” said Sylvester James ‘24. “He told us he wanted to make us suffer, but that’s pretty standard for Cornell. I guess when he started coming to class in Latex bodysuits I should have realized something was up,” he said, adjusting the front of his mandatory catgirl maid uniform in the hopes Schreier would call him a “good boy.”
At press time, Schreier was forced to give the entire class A’s after a student shouted the safeword of “course evals.”
Professor, I have a question. I need it answered right away, or else I won’t be able to focus. Is this particular topic going to be on the exam?
Look, I know you’re teaching it to us right now. But see, here’s the problem: it’s really hard. This stuff you’re teaching us is not easy for me to understand. And I need to know if you’re seriously considering quizzing us on this very difficult thing, because frankly that seems unfair.
You spent a long time planning this lesson, I get that. I appreciate that. But I’m not paying tuition for a holistic learning experience here, and you’re not getting paid to impart knowledge outside the scope of your own tests.
Ah, I see you put it on the syllabus as well. That still doesn’t answer my question though.
If it is going to be on the exam, then by all means continue. But if it’s not, then I think my time would be better spent daydreaming, asleep or on my phone. We’d just be wasting away the hour otherwise.
While we’re at it, the slides are going to be posted online right? I wasn’t planning on taking notes at the moment either.