Wistful Hotelie Leaves Mint on Parents Pillow Every Night

LONG ISLAND—To fill the void caused by missing out on the valuable hands-on hospitality training he so desperately needs, Bronson Winchester ’23 has been leaving a mint or chocolate on his parents pillow every night before they go to bed.

“While my parents are relaxing and watching TV unawares, I just meander over to their room, leave a mint, provide a little turndown service, and when I’m feeling extra hospitable I’ll place a handwritten supportive note on their pillows. It’s the only thing getting me through not being able to attend HADM 1350 Introduction to Hotel Operations,” said Winchester. 

Despite this nightly ritual, Winchester still finds himself longing for the high stakes world of hotel management. In recent weeks, Winchester has taken to valeting his mom’s car when she comes home from the grocery store and folding everyone’s dinner napkins into intricate origami designs.

“I’m glad Bronson is invested in his studies despite all that’s going on in the world these days. You know his mother and I actually met at the Hotel School back in ’78,” said Bronson’s father, Beauregard. “Still, the enormous poster of Conrad Hilton on his wall is honestly getting a bit creepy.”

After completing his service each night, the aspiring hotel magnate returns to his room still lined with dirty laundry and full of empty water bottles. 


Garrett Commissions New College of Business for Engineering Students to Transfer Into

DAY HALL — President Elizabeth Garrett announced this past weekend the creation of the new Cornell College of Business, an amalgamation of the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics & Management and the Samuel Curtis Johnson Graduate School of Management. This new college will serve as a revolutionary new program which engineering students can transfer into once they feel sufficiently overwhelmed.

“We believe our engineering students should have every opportunity possible to not pursue engineering,” said Provost Michael Kotlikoff in an email to students reminding them that if they want to make good money after school and don’t care how, the College of Business is always a viable option.

Students and faculty are ambivalent about the consequences of the College of Business, much in the same way the administration is ambivalent about the direction of the college. fearing that the number of engineers transferring to CALS will dwindle. However, many are excited at the idea of becoming world industry leaders without having to study fluid dynamics or embedded systems.

“I for one wish the business school was around when I was an undergrad,” said Gary Steinbach ’97, “then I could’ve been a big-shot CEO, but now all I’m doing is robotics at NASA. I used to have dreams, you know.”

Though engineers may see a silver lining in the new school, not everyone has life so easy, such as the hotelies forced into the program, who are still trying to figure out what else there could possibly be to administer.