“Halloweekend Was A Movie” Says Freshman Who Saw Two Girls Kiss

NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween weekend, typically a staple of Cornell student culture, returned in full force after COVID-19 decimated last year’s celebrations. For many students, this was their first chance to experience a true, in-person Halloween at Cornell. After weeks of building excitement, students were eager for the big weekend to arrive and early reports indicate that it did not disappoint.

“Halloweekend was a fucking movie, bro” said Peter Greenfield, ‘25. “I got the invite to Sigma something’s party at their house and it was insane. I walked in the door and the first thing I see is two absolute smoke shows making out. Like with tongue!”

Eyewitnesses on the scene confirmed that Greenfield’s account of the event was not only accurate but that it was actually even fucking sicker.

“Dude I wanted to stay in at Donlon this weekend, but Peter dragged me out,” said James Gomez, ‘25 before continuing “I’m so glad I went with him because the function was totally like Project X vibes in that bitch, man. You know when you see a couple kissing, but it’s like a guy and a girl? It was just like that except they were both girls! It was so badass.”

At press time, Greenfield and Gomez speculated that their next best chance to “peep some yiddies” at a holiday party was most likely Election Day, maybe Thanksgiving at the latest.

OP-ED: Frat Bro Want Go Party Now

ALPHA BETA GAMMA — Hello! Me name Dylan Williams. Dylan like go party and drink lots, have good time.

Is there party now? Dylan want party now! We go party soon, so Dylan have fun with different people than normal.

Drinking at party good for Dylan, and Dylan very happy. Maybe Dylan even do handstand on beer bucket! Handstand good way to make friends. More friends more good. Dylan very popular guy, everyone think so.

Dylan hate hangover. Hangover make Dylan sad. But hangover not happen until morning and party happen now! Go party go!

Dylan like meet pretty girl. Pretty girl love Dylan, why not Dylan and pretty girl do things together? Dylan like things.

At party, Dylan can be real self. Dylan fun, friendly guy who love party and beer and party. Sometime, it good to unwind and forget about little thing.

Freshman Has Memory of Record 4 Nights of Wet Week

WEST CAMPUS — In an unprecedented sweep, Abigail Sanchez ‘20 remembered four entire nights of wet week, smashing the previous school record of two.

“It’s all about the technique and staying hydrated,” said Sanchez, still visibly hungover. “You have to pace yourself until the end, and then give it 100% and finish strong.”

The record was clinched on the third night when, in thrilling display of strength, Sanchez politely declined to do another shot, ensuring her recollection of the night remained intact and complete.

The emerging talent attributed part of her success to her mental preparation. “Before this week, I visualized exactly how it would go, from my subtly sexy alien outfit to pretending to enjoy Franzia. This helped me keep my head in the game.”

Sanchez, in shock over her achievement, still remembered to thank her friends. “I couldn’t have done it without my crew,” she said, fondly recalling those who carried her home last night.

Study Abroad Student Excited To Party In Spain Exactly As She Would In America

BARCELONA, SPAIN— Judging by her fun-looking travel updates on Facebook, after only a week of adjusting to a foreign country, study abroad student Maddy Jackson ’18 is excited to party in Spain exactly as she would in America.

“The nightlife here is amazing, I went to a club with friends from Cornell and stayed until 5 AM,” gushed Jackson regarding her new Spanish lifestyle, the U.S. Top 40 EDM music from her night out still pounding in her head as she sipped on wine from a real glass, clucking softly at the sad memory of far-off Franzia-in-a-plastic-cup days.

The junior has already bar hopped two blurry nights in a row, claiming that the bars are much better than Loco but still blacking out on the dance floor as usual. “I fit in so well with the culture, it’s like I’ve lived here for several years,” Jackson slurred while drunkenly ordering tacos from a food truck that highly reminiscent of Dos Amigos.

Jackson is excited about the legal drinking age being 18 in Spain as opposed to 21 in the United States, which had never stopped her before.