WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Bryn Russell ‘21 got out of bed early this morning so she could have time to drink the coffee provided for Slope Day volunteers before the festivities began. “I’ve been pounding back espresso shots since 6am,” said Russell. “I want to make sure I’m amped and ready to go by the time I…
CORNELL HEALTH—On Wednesday, Cornell Health officials released a statement to the university suggesting that students contract flu now to get it out of their system before prelim season. “We just think that you might as well get that out of your way before the semester really picks up,” says Kathy Grammer, Cornell Health official. “I…
WEST CAMPUS—Following revelations that a campus fraternity conducted a contest in which new members racked up points based on having sexual intercourse, Cornell fraternities are starting to worry they might not be seen as models of tolerance and respect on campus. “I’ve always thought of us as pioneers when it comes to promoting open-mindedness and…
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA—After reading some articles about January’s armed robberies across Ithaca, my mom is reportedly pretty afraid that the thief may threaten my safety at Cornell. “Hey, I’m checking in to make sure you’re doing okay,” my mom texted me last Sunday, presumably worried that the criminal may break into my apartment and attempt…
NORTH CAMPUS—Following fifteen days of relying on her newfound mentor for advice and guidance, Alexis Li ‘21 reportedly still hasn’t realized the knowledgeable student she always sees around North also first arrived on campus one month ago. “Ever since we met at Nasties, which is a popular upperclassman spot, the Dan Man has made me…
SOMEWHERE IN THE BAHAMAS—After citing an excessive influx of emails full of trivial complaints, Ithaca landlords stated that they will continue their $80 million heist in plain sight and there’s nothing you can do about it. “I do occasionally get questioned by tenants who demand to know dumb stuff like why they haven’t gotten their…
COLLEGETOWN—After last night’s explosive Game of Thrones finale, Stanley Climpton ‘19 has announced that he is ready to fill the gaping void left by Game of Thrones’ departure with heavy binge drinking. “Game of Thrones has been such a huge part of my life since the beginning of the show,” Climpton stated while silently unscrewing…
After three months of his internship at General Motors, Stuart Reed ‘18 is prepared to introduce his newly acquired coffee-fetching skills into the world of academia. “The real-world experiences I’ve gathered at GM will really contribute to my education, ” said Reed confidently. “As a marketing intern, I’ve grown accustomed to quick critical thinking, like…
AG QUAD – Oh hey, didn’t see you there. I was too busy nibbling on this artisanal gourd I bought at the farmer’s market. Wait, you don’t get your produce from the farmer’s market? Wow, that must make me fresher than you in every way. That’s right. I’m not paying these higher prices just to…
COLLEGETOWN — Following the grand opening of Wings Over Ithaca on Dryden Road in Collegetown, reports indicate that Jack’s Grill owner Kevin Sullivan was seen shaking his fist in the general direction of the new local competitor while murmuring phrases such as “I’m ruined!” and “it can’t be!”. “Dammit! That blasted Wings Over Ithaca just…
