September 7, 2017

Ithaca Landlords Continue $80 Million Heist in Plain Sight

SOMEWHERE IN THE BAHAMAS—After citing an excessive influx of emails full of trivial complaints, Ithaca landlords stated that they will continue their $80 million heist in plain sight and there’s nothing you can do about it.

“I do occasionally get questioned by tenants who demand to know dumb stuff like why they haven’t gotten their security deposits back,” said landlord Beth Marvis as she lounged on her throne of student debt, “but I simply reply with some vague statement about their water heating bills and they eventually go away.”

The jewel-adorned proprietor shared that her favorite grievance is when her residents ask when the shower will stop giving second-degree burns when someone flushes the toilet, because the answer is never.

“Sometimes I’m surprised that we’ve gotten away with it for so long,” chuckled the well-off owner of Jagg Properties, LLC, “but these suckers are stuck with us, so we have no intentions of stopping.”

The landlords added that they eventually plan on tearing down all buildings less than three stories high, in favor of skyscrapers that will muffle the cries of their inhabitants and allow for rent prices upwards of $2000/mo.

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