CU Nooz’s Student Assembly Election Predictions

With Student Assembly elections currently underway, political analysts are calling this year’s campaigns some of the most highly contested in history. Here are the CU Nooz political team’s predictions:     S.A. President: Sarah Balik. Thaddeus Talbot’s weak ankles and poor reflexes will be too much for him to overcome in the physical portion of…

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Jewish Freshman Wonders Which Club Was Running This Weird Forehead Protest Thing On Wednesday

ITHACA, NY – Cornell freshman Arnold Gimmelstein spent most of Wednesday, March 5 utterly confused. The freshman bio major,  who woke believing Wednesday to be an ordinary day, was surprised when he saw hundreds of students with black marks on their foreheads. Sources say that Gimmelstein asked most of his friends what the reason was,…

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Class of 2018 to be 100% Diverse

Over the weekend university officials in the Undergraduate Admissions Office and the Office of Academic Diversity Initiatives revealed their new method of admitting students to create a class that is “100% diverse”. The new admissions scheme, starting with the Class of 2018, aims to make the incoming student body exactly mirror the racial, geographic, and economic…

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