Cornell to Increase Tuition by Two Vital Organs

DAY HALL — Following a common trend that has been taking place over the last decade, Cornell University has announced that it will be increasing student tuition by two vital organs for the 2015-2016 school year.

“We understand that this move will not be popular among the students, however the costs of running a major institution of higher education requires more resources, such as gallbladders or maybe even a pancreas,” stated university Director of Financial Affairs Ron DiMiccio, while trying to justify the reason for Cornell requiring all students to ship two of their internal organs along with their tuition checks at the start of next fall. “And, of course, financial aid will be available for all students who are not able to provide two of their most important organs, thanks to a government funded program that takes vital organs from our country’s congressmen and congresswomen.”

DiMiccio continued to say that students have no need to fear from this tuition increase, as plenty of people do just fine with only one kidney.

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