After months of anticipation, the University finally announced decisions for the undergraduate Class of 2020. Here are the official admissions statistics of those few thousand students lucky enough to be admitted: Recently given a copy of “Oh the Places You’ll Go”: 60% Thoughts on war: “bad” Total calories: 305,293,753 Average Eyesight: 20/100, ironically Honest People:…
EAST AVE — PETA-affiliated student organizations called for a demonstration against the annual campus-wide Dragon Day parade, citing the mistreatment and exploitation of innocent dragons that violates basic animal rights laws. “The Archies keep this beautiful creature cooped up for months in the basement of Rand Hall, an enclosure that is far too small for…
STATLER DRIVE — As the lunch rush peaked at the dumpster behind the Statler Hotel, dozens of local raccoons decided the long lines for wasted food from the Terrace Restaurant have become too long to put up with. “It’s ridiculous how many animals are trying to dig into the Terrace garbage,” commented Robbie Raccoon, who…
From the desk of the Registrar It’s almost that time of year again, isn’t it? Time for students to go on Spring Break and see all their friends from high school. Well, you see, I didn’t have friends in high school. I had nobody back home, and you know what? If I couldn’t see my…
WAIT AVE — In a move that will surely stir up controversy throughout campus, The Union of White Cornell Students has announced plans to sit in rocking chairs on their front porch and fondly reminisce about life in the glory days of the Confederate States of America. “America needs to find its roots again, and…
RAND HALL – The University Construction Crew is having trouble beginning construction on the broken back wall, as they usually do not deal with such small scale projects and are hesitant to start a project that does not involve two years of development and planning. “We’re pretty confused by this one, to be honest. We’ve…
HO PLAZA – A march for white civil rights and recognition, organized by the Union of White Cornell Students, occurred on Ho Plaza today, however it was largely unnoticed due to the march being nearly indistinguishable from the normal pedestrian traffic of students on campus. “That march was today? I was out here giving out…
NEWMAN ARENA — The men’s basketball team was able to avoid embarrassment on a national stage in the NCAA tournament last night by not participating in said tournament. “It sure would have been tough to see our boys get clobbered by some power conference school like Duke or Kentucky,” expressed Dylan Harris ‘18, point guard…
LOS ANGELES, CA — Hollywood has been abuzz this week as legendary director Steven Spielberg has announced he will be directing his new film Archaeology 2140 on Cornell University’s campus, starring none other than Academy Award-Nominated Actor Harrison Ford. Amblin Entertainment reports principal photography will begin next semester on-location in Uris Hall, with the film…
SILICON VALLEY — Snapchat employee Jackson Walter, the Ivy League Snap Story administrator, has reported that his duty selecting the best of the worst submissions to the image/video based social media app from eager, attention-seeking Ivy League students has left him dead inside. Ivy League students have been sending everything from selfies to pictures of…
