OP-ED: I Had No High School Friends, So You Can’t See Yours Over Spring Break

From the desk of the Registrar

It’s almost that time of year again, isn’t it? Time for students to go on Spring Break and see all their friends from high school. Well, you see, I didn’t have friends in high school. I had nobody back home, and you know what? If I couldn’t see my nonexistent friends over Spring Break, you can’t see your real ones either.

As the registrar, I have power. Power over you, power over everyone at this school. I can make school start weeks before any other college that three of your best friends attend, or I can make Winter Break go on long after they’ve left. You don’t deserve friendship. I’ve learned the hard way that nobody needs friends to survive, especially not me!

You think this timing is an inconvenient coincidence? Wrong. I hate my job and I hate you, so I’m extremely happy to shelve your complaints and never look back. And I did a damn good job, too. Why do you think I took this position in the first place? I can personally ensure that your Spring Break doesn’t match up with any other school in the country. This was by design from my first day here, you fools!

Go ahead, children! Cry, cry all you like! With each Snapchat you get from your friend in sunny Cancun, while you trudge to class in the hail and snow, I grow stronger.

And you just have to sit there and take it. So have fun focusing on your prelims while your friends are sunbathing and getting wasted in Florida. I’m sure they wish you were there.