Nooz Staff March 15, 2016

OP-ED: Don’t Tell Anyone, But I’m in a Secret Society

My name is Paul Goodman and I am, in fact, in a secret society. That’s right — I’m in Quill and Dagger. I really want to emphasize that though I am actively telling you that I am in a secret society, I really would appreciate if you kept this information to yourself. I’m only telling you, not because you asked, but because I feel that you deserve to know how accomplished I am.

I appreciate your discretion. It is, after all, a secret society. I know you must have a lot of questions, but I cannot answer them because the nature of my activities in the classified organization are very much private… but you should know that I am involved, and I earned my spot.

What’s this I’m wearing right now? Don’t even ask, I can’t tell you. Well, it’s my secret society cloak. I wear it when I participate in our furtive gatherings.

I’m guessing you’re also curious about the distinct lacerations on my arms. Those are snake bites from our initiation ceremony. But don’t ask — this information is not public knowledge.

I’m sure you’re curious where I’m going right now. I can’t really say, but I’m going to our ultra covert lair on top of Lyon Hall. You really can’t ask what’s inside it — even if I wanted to, I couldn’t tell you that skulls of former members are encased in gold and displayed on the walls. We drink century-old wine out of them.

Thank you for understanding that I can’t disclose any information. I can’t really tell you why I’m excited for tonight, but I will be drinking the sacrificial emu blood from one of our rituals. Don’t tell anyone, but if you walk next to the clock tower at 3 a.m. you can see us in our cloaks leading the emu to slaughter.

By the way, did you see they printed my name in the Daily Sun?

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