December 8, 2016

OP-ED: If You Die, What Happens To Your BRBs?

Hey friends. Just thought I’d check in because all week, there’s just been one, singular question on my mind. Seriously, this puppy’s been keeping me up all night. If you die, what happens to your BRBs?

Is it like a next-of-kin thing? Like a “oh hey, sorry your brother died, but at least you’re set on pasta bowls for life” kinda deal?  Or can you pick a person like a whole bequeathing “I’ve summoned you all here today with some bad news, who wants free sesame chicken for a semester” kinda joint? Sorry, I know it’s a trivial question, but I really wanna get to the bottom of this one.

I mean, really, if your BRBs go nowhere after you die, that’s just good money being left on the table. At least send it to, like, students in need or something? Or maybe it could be like a raffle, sort of a “millionth person who gets a salad at Trillium’s wins all of this dead student’s BRBs” kinda deal. Or you could wait for them to build up and give everyone free lunch on the last day of classes like a “hey, it’s the last day of fifth grade so we’re having a school wide pizza party even though it’s being funded by dead people’s money” kinda deal?

Or, and now hear me out on this one, is it like a “Hunger Games-style people fight to the death over the remaining pool of dead people’s BRBs and then pool also gets larger when people die in the Hunger Games because those are dead students too” kinda situation, or more of a “we put numbers on a bunch of turtles and people choose turtles and whoever’s turtle wins gets all this dead kids food money to spend at Mattin’s on deflated quesadillas” sort of competition?

Anyways, I’d appreciate a swift reply on this one, not like a “oh, great question but I have nothing to add to the discussion” sort of reply, but more of an “I’m an ‘in-the-know’ kind of person” that can provide an “I’ve got some knowledge for you” kind of response.

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