Cornell Officially Closes at 5 AM, Professor Moves Class to 4 AM

BAKER HALL—After Cornell announced that campus will be closed starting at 5 AM, dedicated chemistry professor Chuck E. Chang had no choice but to drag his students into lecture at the crisp hour of 4 in the morning.

“Normally I don’t allow beverages in my classroom, but I made a special exception for those students who needed some caffeine this morning. Coffee was allowed. Tea was not—I’m allergic,” remarked Chang. “Yes, that includes green tea, black tea, and even that honey vanilla sugar cookie shit. It’s a curse.”

The professor proceeded to lecture to a room full of half-asleep students, which he noted was nothing out of the ordinary, except for one student in the Cornell periodic table shirt who always raises his hand and creams his cargos over valence electrons.

“Yeah wasn’t gonna go to a 4 AM lecture,” said student Yonder Habbenschmidt ‘20. “Chang can go suck a frothy bowl of tea.”

Responding to the lack of participation and dismal iClicker scores, Professor Chang will be holding a mandatory review session this Saturday at 1:00 AM.