Nooz Staff September 7, 2018

Fall Rush Mandates 5 Hours Cuddling Per 1 Hour Hazing

COLLEGETOWN—In the wake of hazing scandals and the rise of fall rush, the University Interfraternity and Panhellenic Councils have mandated fraternities and sororities provide 5 hours of cuddle time for each hour of hazing.

“We recognize that we have failed at preventing hazing altogether,” admitted Emma Klipton, a chair of the judicial board. “This step will hopefully push those crazy kids into friendlier and, ultimately, more fuzzy interactions instead.”

Chi Chi Chi has announced that yes, of course their hazing ritual will still include slamming pledges’ balls in textbooks, eating six jars of mayonnaise through a beer bong, and suffering through a whole semester’s worth of math lectures, but that’s only one-fifth of the time they get to spend in the sweet, loving arms of their new brothers. Now, that’s some good math.

“I’ve found that spending a good few hours platonically spooned and supported by my future brothers really makes the condensed hour of torture bearable,” said Scott Broderick ‘21, prospective fraternity member, nestled in the arms of his potential big, Nick “The Gator” Staer ‘20.

An added benefit of the 5-to-1 sweetness-to-possible-death ratio is that even during the hazing hour, pledges will be able to regain their strength with the horror basements’ stockpiles of milk, cookies, and soft blankets.

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