In New Effort to Manage Long Office Hour Wait Lines, CS 1110 TAs Instructed to Point, Laugh, and Spit at Anyone Asking for Help

RHODES HALL—While humiliation is often par for the course during office hours, CS 1110 has decided to turn that possibility into a guarantee. Due to the overwhelming amount of students waiting in line for somebody to do all of their homework for them, all teaching assistants for the introductory class have been authorized to mock, insult, and spit on every student who dares to walk through their doors.

“This policy is fantastic,” announced class TA Griffin Monroe ’23, cackling like a loon at a freshman stupid enough to ask him what a for loop was. “It’s just like the high school glory days, but now I’m the one shoving nerds into lockers! Take that!”

While Monroe’s enthusiasm for bullying is infectious, some students are less sure about the helpfulness of being noogied for asking a question.

“I, uh, wasn’t thrilled when I saw the Canvas announcement about the policy,” said Polly Nielson ’24, fighting back tears as Monroe verbally lambasted her commenting style for 10 straight minutes. “And I still don’t get what object-oriented means. But you know, asking for help only to feel like garbage afterwards… isn’t that what Cornell is all about, really?”

Any student who has not broken down crying by the end of their session will be sent back to the end of the line, to ensure that they truly understand the point of recursion.

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