President Pollack Announces Touchdown has Gone to Live on Nice Farm Upstate

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Although football fans across campus are sure to miss Big Red’s most beloved bear, they can rest easy knowing that Touchdown has found a delightful new home with lots of butterflies and plenty of room to run around, according to a Friday morning email from President Pollack.

While the news is bittersweet for many, Pollack was quick to reassure students that Touchdown was having the “best time ever” playing with all the other mascots and having salmon with every meal. “Touchdown is SO busy that he doesn’t have time for visits, but he misses you all so much <3!!!” concluded the email, which contained zero information on the farm name, location, or any pictures of Touchdown in his new home.

Touchdown’s retirement comes at a welcome time for the huggable icon. While Touchdown’s muzzle has long since gone gray, in recent months it seems that age has finally slowed down the formerly vivacious bear. Attendees of Cornell football’s last games noted that Touchdown displayed a sizable tremor and seemed too fatigued to celebrate any of his team’s victories, despite their already exceedingly rare occurrence. Over the past few weeks Touchdown has been seen several times at the veterinary medicine campus, and most recently on a dead-of-night trip to Sage Chapel for what the Sage clergy fervently denies was a last rites ceremony.

“I miss Touchie so bad, but I’m glad the doctors on the farm can make him all better,” said football captain Jeremiah Wait ‘24 through sniffles. “I hope one day he can come to one of my games so I can see him all healthy!” He smiled and returned to the ice cream cone Pollack had bought him for being “such a big boy.”

At press time, Pollack denied any connection between Touchdown’s absence and the new “Bear Nuggets” now available at west campus dining halls.

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