DAY HALL- Many are speculating that the three high-level administrators (President David Skorton, Vice President for Student and Academic Services Susan Murphy, and Provost Kent Fuchs) that have announced that they are leaving the University this year probably know a deep, dark secret about the future of Cornell that the rest of us don’t. “This…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE — According to residents of Flora Rose House, sophomore Allison Galder took a quick break from watching Netflix to study. “She had been lying on her bed watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ nonstop for 4 hours,” reported Galder’s roommate, “It was great to see her take a break and unwind a little bit by…
BEEBE LAKE—The survival of Cornell’s Club Surfing team is in jeopardy this season as it looks to replace its captain and sole member, Blake Stolar (CALS ‘14). Stolar lead the Soggy Bears to the wildly celebrated completion of two seasons his junior and senior year, with records of 0-6 and 1-5 respectively, before he graduated…
STATLER HALL — According to insider information, SA President Sarah Balik is diligently rehearsing her speech which the Board of Trustees will almost immediately ignore. Initial reports indicate that Balik had spent a minimum of seven hours meticulously poring over her speech so that it is as clear, concise, and moving as possible before spending…
SPONSORED POST: From now until November 16, go to www.tnote.com and enter the code “CUNooz” for $5 off your purchase. COLLEGETOWN – Supplemental course note provider TakeNote has announced it will begin offering a TakeExam service, in which TakeNote employees will take prelims and finals for students at a predetermined price. “We are confident that TakeExam will improve…
SCHOELLKOPF —With thousands of students and alumni on campus to celebrate Homecoming weekend, football fans were disappointed on Saturday as Cornell was defeated 31-14 by musicians Grace Potter and Icona Pop. “I’m very proud of my boys, but we all knew it was going to be rough going up against an indie singer and a…
ITHACA, NY — Matthew Bernstein ‘15 has been suffering from an alcohol withdrawal headache all day, a headache which he has mistakenly attributed to too little sleep. “Man, my head’s pounding today. I definitely need to get to bed earlier today,” said Bernstein, unable to connect the dots between the fact he’s been drunk every…
WITHIN 10FT OF DAY HALL — “Yeah, you know, I just don’t really care anymore,” said David Skorton as he lit the cigarette he kept behind his ear within ten feet of an air vent intake. “What can I say, I’m a pretty dangerous guy.” This incident is the most recent in a string of…
North Campus — In a press conference today , President Skorton announced his decision to change up the lines separating Cornell’s Campus to make Balch Residential Hall part of Central Campus. Skorton argued that this move would significantly improve campus life. “Many people are concerned that most residential halls are too far away from the…
BARNES HALL – Senior Simone Sedgwick is supposedly super stoked about her looming prospects of post-graduation indentured servitude. “My current loan balance is 20% more than the annual salary of a nation’s leading neurosurgeons,” explained Sedgwick while playfully tearing out her hair. “The current cost of living combined with the astoundingly meager job prospects predict…
