Relationship Between Animal Science Professor and Lab Tech Draws Criticisms After Revelation That They Began Working Together When She Was Just A Calf

FRANK MORRISON HALL—Animal Science Professor Dr. Cleetus Conroy came under fire from campus critics this week after the revelation that his long standing relationship with one of the lab’s research cows began when she was only a calf. While many had looked fondly upon the human-cattle couple, this new discovery has ignited a hotbed of debate surrounding the pair.

“It’s so easy to judge from afar,” said Dr. Conroy, smiling sweetly towards his bovine lover. “Randie and I have an unspoken bond between us, one that connects her cow soul to my human one. I mean, age is just a number, and species is just a bunch of latin gobbledygook.”

While Dr. Conroy maintains that he waited until the ‘appropriate’ time to begin their relationship, other members of the lab claim that the romance began while Randie was still sucking colostrum. In addition, lab employees have accused Dr. Conroy of inappropriate conduct, making crass comments, and “excessive milking.”

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” stated Randie, in what Dr. Conroy explained was an impassioned proclamation of the love that they shared for one another. Dr. Conroy then placed his arm around the cow’s midsection in a manner that can only be described as “uncomfortable”.

Despite remaining committed to one another throughout the ongoing scandal, the couple’s relationship is reportedly on the rocks after Dr. Conroy was spotted whispering sweet nothings into the ear of a particularly plump rooster.

Ag School to Offer New Major: Beating the Living Piss Out of Livestock

ROBERTS HALL—The College of Agriculture and Life Sciences announced Friday that is will soon offer a new major for those who want to farm, but also want to put their animals through tremendous pain.

“Chicken nuggets taste better after the chickens were smashed in the face with a crowbar,” explained proponent Amelia Reddick ‘20. “Watching animals have a miserable time is an essential component of agriculture, and I’m glad that CALS has finally acknowledged that.”

The new field of study will offer courses such as BEAT 1107, “Fitting A Lot Of Stuff Into A Cow’s Rectum,” and BEAT 2208, “Hurting Baby Sheep on Physical and Spiritual Levels.”

CALS Dean Kathryn Boor has expressed enthusiasm for the new major. “The study of Beating the Living Piss Out Of Livestock is a wonderful opportunity for students to get hands-on experience torturing animals. One project will allow students to see just how much doody pigs could live in before they get Hepatitis A.”

By 2025, the college plans to add an additional farming-related major: Chewing A Piece of Straw Like A Badass.

OP-ED: See? We Changed the Name of the Plantations and Fixed On-Campus Racism!

by Associate Dean of Students Charlotte Beaufort

When the Black Students United group came forward with their demand to change the name of the Cornell Plantations, citing the racial undertones that ‘plantations’ conveyed, the Board of Trustees had a long discussion of what to do. We eventually decided that, yes, the name should and would be changed to the Cornell Botanic Gardens, a title that is in no way associated with slavery. And just like that, we accomplished something that other college campuses have been trying to do for years: we eliminated on-campus racism completely.

Huh, that was pretty easy! Thank god we don’t need to put any more effort into this subject matter!

We never anticipated that changing the name of a campus woodland area would relieve all cultural tensions overnight, but we sure are glad that it did. No need to add mandatory coursework to expose students to issues of identity, or hire more people of color at Gannett so that non-white students might feel comfortable reaching out for physical and mental help, because there’s not an ounce of racism on this predominantly Caucasian campus anymore. Sure, the majority of career services officers are as pale as a glass of milk, but that’s not racist, right?

No, it can’t be. We just addressed a racism issue. That must be the last of them!

And besides, we couldn’t be expected to change everything that a small subset of people was upset about. That’s not fair to all of our students. All of our predominantly Caucasian students, to reiterate myself.

Oh, one thing- technically we’re changing the name of the Plantations because we feel that the current name doesn’t accurate reflect the number of flowers that are there. That’s what we said publicly, at least. We wouldn’t want rich white alumni donors to get mad at us for changing the name in order to appease the desires of a specific group of students! So when you tell people about the name change, make sure you mention the flowers thing too.

So start celebrating, because the days of racial conflict at Cornell University is long in the past. And be sure to enjoy the Cornell Botanic Gardens this fall! I’m sure one of our fantastic, white plant science professors would be happy to give you a tour.

“Hallelujah, The Rainy Season Has Come!” Cry Ithaca Dust Bowl Farmers

TOMPKINS COUNTY — Hundreds of dustbowl farmers in the greater Tompkins County area are rejoicing at the coming of the rain, after months of drought brought no crops to their land.

“Madge! Madge, get out here, you’re not gonna believe this!” cried Ernest Young, finally seeing the thick storm clouds form overhead and drop a deluge like it was manna from heaven. Young and his wife reportedly ran outside and danced in the muddy earth, their prayers having been answered for the coming harvest.

Honest folk all across the plains said they “had never seen anything like it, this year’s yield is ought to be more bountiful than anything before and anything since. Tell the boys to wire President Roosevelt, tell him we’ve been saved!”

“The men from the bank were gonna shut down our homestead if the grain didn’t grow,” said Jebediah Nelson of Watkins Farm, “but the sky done opened up and let loose a God given miracle. Praise our Lord!”

The celebrations for the return of life-giving water to the valley soon ended when the migrant workers realized they had to walk around Ithaca in the mud all day and decided to stay inside.

CALS Deans Open New Ag Quad Slaughterhouse

AG QUAD – College of Agriculture and Life Sciences Dean Kathryn J. Boor held a ceremony marking the opening of the Tyson Foods Slaughterhouse in the center of the Agriculture Quad.

“Much like the Physics Department’s use of the Synchrotron or the Hotel School’s use of the Statler, we want to offer our students the opportunity to engage in hands on experiences that emulate the work being done in industry,” said Boor as the first butchering of cattle had just begun.

According to Professors in the Animal Science department, the use of the slaughterhouse will incorporate every aspect of the meat packing industry, from cramming liquified livestock into crates all the way to stuffing lifeless carcasses into storage freezers.

“The lessons learned from using the facility, such as how to deal with the excessive bleeding or breed animals for the sole purpose getting the most meat possible, will end up being invaluable to our students,” added Dan Brown, Associate Professor of Animal Science.

Graduation requirements for Animal Science undergraduates now include the humane slaughtering of at least eight cows, three lambs, and five chickens that have never seen the light of day.

College of Agriculture Announces Hog Wranglin’ Class

MORRISON HALL — Administrators in the Department of Animal Science have officially announced that ANSC 3240: Introduction to Hog Wranglin’ will be offered to CALS students as part of the 2015 Fall curriculum. The course will expose undergraduates to the intricacies of a good ol’ fashioned swine tussle while emphasizing the core principles of the general farm animal free-for-all.

“When you’ve got a coupla’ pigs that yer fixin’ to slaughter, chances are one or two of ‘em are gonna get loose,” explained Professor Michael Thonney, who will teach the class for the 2015-16 academic year. “All’s I know is if you see a porker making a break for it across the pasture, you’ll need the wherewithall to nab that sucker.”

The course will teach basic through advanced techniques of humanely handling hogs, the proper way to wrastle them back to the sty, and how to hold on for dear life while the gosh dang thing’s thrashing about for half an hour or so.

The 3-credit course may also be used to fulfill a Physical Education requirement, as being out there trying to hold down a full-grown sow in nothing but yer britches’ll get you sweatin’ like a whore in church.