…Sports? 1. The Superbowl Was Fine, But What Was Up With That Lukewarm Guacamole, Sharon? 2. Justin Timberlake Fails To Bring Timber And/Or Lakes To His Performance 3. How About Those Superbowl Passes and Touchdowns and Whatnot? 4. Horny Students Disappointed Over the Lack of Janet Jackson Nipples 5. Hungry Babies Disappointed Over the Lack…
WEST CAMPUS—Following revelations that a campus fraternity conducted a contest in which new members racked up points based on having sexual intercourse, Cornell fraternities are starting to worry they might not be seen as models of tolerance and respect on campus. “I’ve always thought of us as pioneers when it comes to promoting open-mindedness and…
ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA—In response to hate crimes committed by members of fraternities last semester, progressive frat Alpha Sigma Sigma has taken steps to ensure that during their pledging process, the only ones being hazed are white boys. “We plan to deprive these pledges of their right to fair and equal education and while we’re at…
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA—After reading some articles about January’s armed robberies across Ithaca, my mom is reportedly pretty afraid that the thief may threaten my safety at Cornell. “Hey, I’m checking in to make sure you’re doing okay,” my mom texted me last Sunday, presumably worried that the criminal may break into my apartment and attempt…
This post is sponsored by The Skits. Come see The Skits Present: Family Dinner, Friday, December 1st at 8:30pm in Statler auditorium. Tickets are $5 and available at www.theskits.com or by emailing skitscomedy@gmail.com STATLER AUDITORIUM—After a rousing comedy sketch show,classic friend group jokester Freddie Huang ‘18 reported that, in his own honest opinion, he “could’ve…
BINGHAMTON, NY— This Thanksgiving break, Gwen Swanson ’20 basked in praise from relatives gathered together for Thanksgiving, trying to ignore the fact that she is failing CS 1110: Introduction to Computing Using Python. “Our little Gwenny is always so brilliant and hardworking and a true renaissance woman,” said Swanson’s great-aunt Bertha. “Where else are you…
WEST CAMPUS—Last Thursday, the cooks at Hans Bethe House tried their best and offered up a flavorless take on a dish with deep cultural roots. The dining hall staff was confident that, after about fifteen minutes of looking up empanada recipes, they could accurately deliver a cultural staple that has been perfected over generations all…
CORNELL CINEMA—After weeks of mobilizing students to save Cornell Cinema, Simone Ellis ‘19 reacted to the S.A. and Administration’s agreement to establish secure Cinema funding by purchasing movie tickets for the first time. “Cornell Cinema is one of the best benefits of attending this school, so of course I was outraged when it was almost…
COLLEGETOWN — Following Cornell’s loss to Dartmouth, ending their streak as the top Ivy League football team, fans no longer feel committed to their weekly Google search to check the game results. “I got a whole lot more involved in the football scene this semester than I have in past seasons,” said Amy Nodir ‘18,…
A new report by Cornell’s Office of Institutional Planning and Research found that the University’s Sage School of Philosophy is currently 67% theoretical, a new record. “A recent decline in the number of physical students who decide to study philosophy has been a real boon for us,” Philosophy department chair Derk Pereboom explained. Pereboom went…
