Nooz Explains: 161 Simple Cornell Mask Guidelines

As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to evolve, Cornell has once again revised its health and safety
guidelines for students. Feeling confused about when and where you should wear a mask? Fear not—CU Nooz is here to help!

1. Masks are not required for any student who has achieved Dean’s List in at least two
semesters, unless they have posted the Dean’s List certificate on LinkedIn.
2. Masks are not required if you left your mask at home today, but only if this was done on accident. This clause can only be invoked three times in a given academic semester for
any student currently enrolled in 12 or more credits.
3. Masks are required for students who exclusively order the California Sunrise at CTB.
4. Masks are required for all students who have LED light strips installed in their bedroom.
5. Masks are required in Mac’s Cafe, but not in Terrace. Sneeze in the burrito for all we care.
6. Masks are required for any NCAA Division I varsity athlete when visiting schools ranked outside the top 50 in the 2022 U.S. News and World Report rankings.
7. Masks are not required if you are a male student that is 5’7” or below. We
understand that you need all the help you can get.
8. Masks are required for anyone that is a 4 or lower. To clarify, anyone that is a Cornell 4 or lower.
9. Masks are not required on TCAT routes 83 and 30, but only before 9:00am and after 10:30pm.
10. Masks are required for Dyson students if they plan on discussing cryptocurrency that day.
11. Masks are required during sex, but only if it’s a casual thing.
12. Masks are recommended but not required if the nature of the thing has not been defined yet.
13. Masks are required in all Tinder profile pictures.
14. Masks are prohibited if the wearer has not shaved that day. It’s time to face the shame.
15. Masks are required if the wearer expects to run into an ex, unless you look really good that day and need to make them jealous.
16. Masks are required while walking up the Slope, but not if you are walking down it.
17. Masks are not required if you are a philosophy major, unless your family is supportive of
your studies, in which case you have to wear two.
18. Masks are required for legacy students, but let’s be honest, the rules don’t really apply to you anyways.
19. Masks are required for all professors who cold call students during lecture.
20. Masks are not required for professors who let students call them by their first name, but
are required for professors who force students to call them by their first name.
21. Masks are not required for students who are lactose intolerant.
22. Masks are required in section if you have not done the reading, but not if you promise to raise your hand every time the TA asks a question.
23. Masks are mandatory if you tend to visibly lick your lips, but are optional if your lips are already chapped.
24. Masks are required if you don’t have COVID-19.
25. Masks are not required if you do have COVID-19.
26. If this is your first time wearing a mask, you have to fight.
27. Masks are required if you are right-handed, but not if you are left-handed.
28. Masks are required for anyone who cried during Avengers: Infinity War, but only if you also cheered when Loki died.
29. Masks are not required for anyone who has been rejected by a pre-professional fraternity, but mandatory for current members of a pre-professional fraternity.
30. Masks are required in the S.C. Johnson School of Business as penance for past sins.
31. Masks are required for anyone who unironically uses the word “rad.”
32. Masks are required if you’ve ever been to Slope Day. You are probably part of the
elderly population and are at higher risk.
33. Masks are required if you’re a chronic mouth breather.
34. Masks are not required for good little children who slurp their slop.
35. Masks are required for professors who only accept physical copies of homework dropped in a specific location instead of online submissions.
36. Masks are required for upperclassmen who still live on North.
37. Masks are required for students who have eaten at Okenshields in the last 24 hours.
38. Masks are Required in Bathrooms containing four stalls, but not those with three.
39. Masks are not required when at a height of 20–23.5 feet on the climbing wall, but are necessary at all other heights.
40. Masks are not required in fitness centers, with the exception of the deep ends of the pools.
41. Masks are not required if someone drew something funny on your face while you were asleep.
42. Masks are required when making eye contact with President Pollack.
43. Masks are not required for those willing to lie about their vaccination status.
44. Masks are not required for students born on a leap day, as they are not yet six years old.
45. Masks are required for students who wish to tell jokes, unless they are also going to make a very funny face.
46. Masks are not required for statues on the Arts Quad, unless they plan to come alive that night.
47. Masks are required for those shredding gnar outside Milstein.
48. Masks are required for students who wear glasses, because then the losers can’t see or breathe.
49. Masks are required in dining halls, including while eating. Eat through the mask.
50. Masks are not required when hiding under the covers from a scary monster.
51. Masks are required for groups larger than four unless you are part of a gang getting back together for one last heist.
52. Masks are not required in Upson bathroom stalls if you don’t flush. Masks are required for the remaining three engineers.
53. Masks are required for people with butt chins.
54. Masks are required for Scorpio moons unless you have a water sun to balance things out.
55. Masks are not required for women with childbearing hips as a signifier that they are of fine stock and would make a worthy wife and mother to any well-to-do member of the genteel class.
56. Masks are required for cartoons brought into our universe, but not for people transported into cartoon universes.
57. Masks are required for anyone who puts their height in their Tinder bio, but they are not
required if you actually told the truth about it.
58. Masks are not required for students who can recite up to 250 digits of pi.
59. Masks are required for all students who willingly call themselves theater kids; in fact, we
recommend wearing two.
60. Masks are not required if there is a water bottle within a 10-centimeter radius of you, but
only if it is a reusable water bottle.
61. Masks are required for people who live on West Campus if they complain too much about
having to walk up the Slope.
62. Masks are required while riding the TCAT unless you are prepared to serenade your
fellow riders with a musical number.
63. Masks are not required for students traveling to rival universities.
64. Masks are not required for anyone with one of those long pointy mustaches that are good
for twirling.
65. Masks are required for lengthy speeches, except for those giving long monologues about
the inner machinations of their evil plan.
66. Masks are required for students whose names are drawn out of a big glass bowl full
of little slips of paper, unless their cooler older sister takes their place.
67. Masks are required for secret agents, but not required if those secret agents are not
currently wearing the hat that signifies them as an agent.
68. Masks are required in Milstein Hall, but not if you’re just coming in to take a Gov class
in the main auditorium.
69. Masks are prohibited at the annual Slope Day Lip Synching Competition.
70. Masks are prohibited for anyone currently in the act of theft, but not if you send the
administration a 25% cut.
71. Masks are required in any building with an odd number of letters in its name.
72. Masks are not required if you know at least three brothers and can recite how you
met them to the bouncer.
73. Masks are required if your fake ID is still horizontal in 2022.
74. Masks are required if you were ghosted by your Perfect Match pairings, but not
required if you ghosted any of your Perfect Matches.
75. Masks are not required if you are already in a big bear suit riling up fans at Cornell
hockey games.
76. Masks are required if you have ever shared your GPA on campus without being asked,
unless that GPA is under a 3.0.
77. Masks are required if you cannot name at least two members of the United States
Supreme Court.
78. Masks are not required in Day Hall, but only if you donate over $1,000 to the university
during your visit.
79. Masks are required if you land on “Wear a Mask” during your turn, but are not
required if you also have a “Get Out of Mask Free” Card in your hand.
80. Masks are not required if you successfully pass a charisma check.
81. Masks are required if you can’t find your phone and have to ask someone else to call it
for you.
82. Masks are required if you’re on the verge of a mental breakdown, but are not required if
you’re “just a little tired this week, haha.”
83. Masks are not required if you wistfully stare into a well at your reflection.
84. Masks are required for Weezer fans unless they can upload proof of a successful
interaction with a woman in the past six months.
85. Masks are required for all students… unless we can throw together the best talent
show this town’s ever seen.
86. Masks are required for the fire that will save the clan. Leaders receive eight
additional masks from StarClan.
87. Masks are required for headstrong businesswomen who hate Christmas but not for small
town men who own Christmas tree farms.
88. Masks are not required for those who can answer my riddles three.
89. Masks are not required for those who can do a kickflip.
90. Masks are required when in an ascending elevator, but not in a descending one.
91. Masks are required for those who wish to operate in the shadows, until they are ready to
come into the light.
92. Masks are required for the owner of a white Nissan Versa with license plate number
GFD-5276. Your lights are on.
93. Masks are not required for students who have received a star on their well-behaved chart
for each day of this week.
94. Masks are not required when traveling 20,000 leagues under the sea.
95. Masks are not required in Mann Library, but not wearing one increases the likelihood the
librarian will yell at you like the dirty little slut you are.
96. Masks are required for the bitch in my 12:15pm lecture. They know what they did.
97. Masks are required unless you’re wearing one, in which case they aren’t.
98. Masks are forbidden for professors who assign 5pm deadlines until they can prove that
they begin grading at 5:01pm.
99. Masks are required while solving mysteries, unless the gang splits up to look for clues.
100. Masks are not required for whoever found my Airpods case, have you seen that
anywhere? I could’ve sworn I left them on this table.
101. Masks are required for students from Ohio. Also Nebraska.
102. Masks are required for people watching movies in the Cornell Cinema, except
for when they wish to guffaw loudly and slap their knee.
103. Masks are not required for anyone who can help me with my PHYS2213:
Electromagnetism homework.
104. Masks are required for that one guy on my freshman year floor who would blast
electropop music at 1am every night of the week, never took a shower, and pissed on my
floor.
105. Masks are required for anyone who got a higher grade than me on my prelim.
106. Masks are required if you’re coming over to my place tonight babe 😉 Oh wait, not the
surgical ones I mean the BDSM kind.
107. Masks are not required if you are uglier than me. Masks are required if you are hotter
than me.
108. Masks are not required for hale and hearty boys with apple cheeks from a midwinter
walk ‘round the grounds.
109. Masks are required for anyone with a Rice Purity Score less than thirty. You animals
must be stopped.
110. Masks are required for lonely men with disfigured faces haunting the local opera.
111. Masks are not required for those who have paid the blood price.
112. Masks are required whilst crying in the Cocktail Lounge, but not whilst crying inside
Duffield Hall.
113. Masks are not required for students who only listen to real music. It’s all pretty
obscure stuff that you probably wouldn’t have heard of.
114. Masks are required for anyone who has ever said “I go to a school in upstate
New York.”
115. Masks are required when you’re taking pictures to show your mom.
116. Masks are not required when you’re taking pictures to show your mom, and she’s a
Republican.
117. Masks are required for any individual who has been possessed by a ghost or demon
who has not yet been fully vaccinated in accordance with the CDC guidelines.
118. Masks are required for anyone whose GET App will not load and better hurry the
fuck up.
119. Masks are required if you are a disgusting pig who has recycled the same crusty
disposable mask for the past year.
120. Masks are required for anyone currently stealing Cornell property. Stay anonymous,
kings and queens.
121. Masks are not required in Trillium except for anyone ordering the pasta, who must be
muzzled for their own protection.
122. Masks are required for any man named Justin. They don’t deserve freedom.
123. Masks are required for every club that rejected me: Cornell Consulting Club, Cornell
Consulting Group, Cornell Venture Capital, Cornell Hedge Fund, etc.
124. Masks are required for any member of a secret society who chose not to tap me.
125. Masks are required for people I don’t like. You know who you are.
126. Masks are not required for Touchdown the Bear.
127. Masks are required for shy, nerdy girls with frizzy hair and thick-rimmed
glasses who have potential to be gorgeous, but the masks must be removed once they
get a makeover in preparation for the Homecoming dance.
128. Masks are required for anyone who has successfully had sex in the stacks. You dirty,
dirty dogs.
129. Masks are required for students who unironically enjoy “Despacito,” but only if
they’re referring to the Justin Bieber version specifically.
130. Masks are not required for anyone who has received a parking ticket within the last
24 hours if the violation was for Overtime Meter.
131. Masks are required for New Jerseyans who never shut up about Ithaca not having
“real bagels.”
132. Masks are required for people quoting “Borat” in 2022.
133. Masks are required if you are Dillian from my group project.
134. Masks are not required whilst pontificating, introspecting, or genuflecting.
135. Masks are not required for any woman whose name is mentioned during Lou Bega’s
Mambo No. 5.
136. Masks.
137. Masks, straitjackets, and shackles are required for the loser who requests Mr.
Brightside at a party.
138. Masks are required for student enrolled in the Hotel school who willingly refer to it as
the Nolan School of Hotel Administration.
139. Masks are strongly recommended for anyone living in an apartment owned by
O’Connor Apartments. This one is for your own safety.
140. Masks are not required for the squirrels on the Arts Quad, although if anyone
has a good idea for getting them on their little faces we’re willing to listen.
141. Masks are not required if you call movies movies, but they are if you call them
“films.”
142. Masks are not required for any woman who sneaks away in the middle of the night
dressed as a man to enlist in war in place of her elderly father following the emperor’s
order that each family needs to send at least one man to fight in the ongoing war against
the Huns.
143. Masks are not required when serenading me from my window.
144. Masks are not required for any student who brings a dog to campus. Thank you for
your service.
145. Masks are required if you have spent more than half of your Big Red Bucks before
March, unless you managed to spend them all already.
146. Masks are not required if this week has been kinda crazy for you.
147. Masks are required if you have told more than three people your star sign in the past
week, but are not required if that sign is Virgo.
148. Masks are not required if you are currently wearing mismatched socks.
149. Masks are required for anyone who pays in cash for dining hall meals.
150. Masks are required if you did musical theater in high school, but not if you did
technical theater.
151. Masks are required if you go to poetry slams.
152. Masks are not required if you have successfully gaslit university financial aid offices
into granting you free tuition.
153. Masks are not required on campus, unless your mom asks if you are being safe and
still wear yours, in which case they are.
154. Masks are required for any student who has an email signature that includes a
hyperlink to their LinkedIn profile.
155. Masks are required for all students currently in the Cornell Free Food GroupMe.
156. Masks are not required if you bring the bridge troll who guards the gorge trails
a small treat of fish and stale bread.
157. Masks are not required if you’re not like other girls.
158. Masks are required if you are talking shit about your friend, but not if you preface it
with “I love her to death, but…”
159. Masks are required for any man who decides they don’t have to bother dressing up for
the party theme, instead opting for a hoodie and flannel.
160. Masks are required for anyone who claims to have failed a test in public when
they scored above an 85.
161. Etc.

Relative Lack of Student Assembly Bullshittery Raises Concerns

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A recent lack of extremely public meltdowns within Cornell’s student government has led many students to wonder what dumb shit they are getting into this semester.

“I don’t know what to think,” admitted John Hawkinson ‘23. “I haven’t heard anything about them this year, and that kind of scares me. Like, did 30 undergraduates desperately vying for fake power suddenly just get their shit together, or  are they secretly trying to abolish the Dyson School as we speak?”

In response to growing anxieties, multiple undergraduates harboring similar beliefs to Hawkinson have formed SA Watch, a committee dedicated to unraveling what is truly going on behind the scenes of this mysterious branch of shared governance. The group has grown exponentially over the past month, and has branched out to following SA members on Instagram, putting polls out on gimmick Instagram accounts, and scouring Cornell’s Reddit. Some members even suggested they actually attend a meeting or read the Sun, but this measure was swiftly voted down.

“I remember so many crises over the last few years,” recalled Jenna Swarthmore ‘22. “Disarmament, BDS, the entirety of last year’s election. It seemed like the SA couldn’t get a single thing done without someone getting cancelled and Ben Shapiro chiming in on Twitter, but now? I mean, I still don’t know what the fuck they’re doing, but at least I haven’t heard anything about it.”

When asked, SA Watch confirmed that no member of their group had voted in the last elections, and that none intended to vote this year either.

 

Student Behind on Readings for Gov Class Thinks “Infrastructure Bill” is Charming Nickname for Burly Railway Worker

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL一Showing up late to class for the 3rd time this week, so-called Government major Davos Spalding ‘25 seemed surprised to learn that all this talk about “Infrastructure Bill” was centered around a piece of legislation and not, as he had expected, a burly, brolic, big-biceped railway engineer who’d earned the nickname through his work on the rails.

“I honestly haven’t done a single reading for this class all semester,” said Spalding. “But I keep hearing in the news about this Infrastructure Bill. They kept describing him as extremely big— enormous—the biggest in history even. He’s going to single handedly fix all of America’s crumbling roads and bridges. They said he’s part of a showdown now, and that he’s fighting to stay alive. I knew I just had to meet this man. I can only imagine the legends of his prowess, and the songs they write about his titan of labor. He dominates every committee he’s in; he shaped and honed his muscular brawn through multiple amendments to his own body. The news said all of America wants Infrastructure Bill, but above all I just want to learn how he came to be worth 4 trillion dollars,” Spalding concluded, blinking his dazed, daydreaming eyes and wiping drool from his agape mouth.

“Davos came to class today, late as always, demanding to see the infrastructure bill,” said Professor Gary Rambler, Spalding’s instructor. “I had to break the news to him: As it looks right now, the infrastructure bill is dead. Davos broke down and cried, and I think we were all there with him. Maybe, just maybe, I too believed for a brief second that the infrastructure bill really had a chance to fix America’s roads, bridges, and railways.”

Before the end of class, Spalding had written what he called an “Ode to Infrastructure Bill,” a classic old-timey labor folk tune to commemorate and lament the destruction of a working man of America. Professor Rambler, accepting it gratefully, informed Spalding that while it wouldn’t change his F in the class, it would help generations to come remember the legend of Infrastructure Bill.

Stupid Gov Major Excited to Tell Everyone His Three State Solution to Israeli-Palestinian “Conflict”

KLARMAN HALL—During the final day of his introductory International Relations course, government major and self-described “radical centrist” Fred Pavlos ‘24 took advantage of an opportune moment in a dead silent breakout room to explain his ingenious three-state solution to the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian conflict. 

“I’m sick of so many people talking about how ‘both sides’ are wrong in this situation. There aren’t two sides to what’s happening: there are three,” Pavlos explained to the muted, blank breakout room. “Israel and Palestine are both doing bad things, which are definitely the exact same and do not show any power imbalance whatsoever. Rather than saying who’s right and who’s in violation of international law, I think we need a neutral, moderate, third option here. Sort of like Switzerland. Or, we could put someone in there that the Israelis and the Palestinians could both agree to hate, like Florida.”

When another student in the breakout room pointed out that a third state would simply be another colonizer on Palestinian land, Pavlos responded with complete confidence that “everyone on all three sides will have to make a few sacrifices for peace. And what I mean by that is, Palestine will have to sacrifice everything, but this time Israel will sacrifice a tiny bit too so they can tell everyone they contributed to the solution. And the third state will have to pitch in for the transportation over there. But in the end, it’s a lose-win-win, which is one more win than we had before.”

When pressed by the other students for answers as to how this would solve anything for the Palestinians, Pavlos explained that the whole thing was “quite complex and complicated” and scoffed at their evident lack of research into Middle Eastern political history. He proceeded to show on a map where he would geographically insert Wyoming as the third state.

Government Major A Little Bit Too Excited About Potential Constitutional Crisis

WHITE HALL—Much to the confusion of her friends, Government major Angela Xu ‘22 appeared enthralled by the possibility of a national political crisis that would surely plunge American society into chaos.

“Imagine how historic it would be if we had a contested election—or better yet, what about a tie in the electoral college?!” Xu squealed, her eyes wild. “Wouldn’t it be amazing to be a part of such a pivotal moment in our nation’s history? My future dissertation is practically writing itself!”

Despite Xu’s enthusiasm, others were more pessimistic about her theorized crisis of presidential legitimacy that would have the potential to massively destabilize the republic as we know it.

“Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like a descent into a hyperdivided body politic backing two different presidents would probably be a bad thing,” said D’Andre Callaway ‘21, a friend of Xu. “I mean, I’m not a gov major like Angela, but I just think that living in a disputed state where all legal precedents have been torn to shreds might bring about some issues.”

At press time, Xu was seen smiling while musing about an American descent into anarchy and, “if we’re really lucky,” a partisan-driven civil war.

Pelosi Credits End of Shutdown to “Sanctuary For All” Poster in Corner of Cornell Professor’s Window

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—House Speaker Nancy Pelosi addressed the nation regarding the end of the government shutdown, stating that it came as a result of the 1’ by 2’ sheet of craft paper reading “No Ban, No Wall, Sanctuary For All” in a corner window of Cornell’s own Comparative Literature Department.

“Overcoming the gridlock and division over the past 34 days has been no easy feat,” reported the California representative from the steps of the U.S. Capitol. “But the evocative commentary provided by the “Sanctuary For All” poster galvanized pushback against the president’s wall proposal, and helped the American people come out on top.”

While the Sanctuary For All poster is not visible from any of Cornell’s densely-populated walking areas, it does provide a constant positive message of inclusivity to the adjacent window of an empty Goldwin Smith Hall janitorial closet.

Comparative Literature Professor Roger Errin, who placed the poster in his window in November 2016, stated that “the 4, maybe 5 people who see the poster each day were definitely inspired by its acerbic delivery and progressive stance. But if even one person saw it, I would’ve been happy.”

While Errin was always proud to stand against the racial division of the current administration, he has been especially pleased to watch the poster change hearts and minds across the country.

SA Election Frontrunner Prepared to Accomplish Absolutely Nothing

ITHACA, NY — In a statement released this morning, a frontrunner in the Undergraduate Student Assembly’s Fall 2017 Election has declared that they are eager to accomplish absolutely nothing during their time in the position.

“I’m just so grateful that the community wants me to take on this exciting, debatably-influential role,” stated the freshman. “I look forward to using the abundant resources and tuition dollars at my disposal to ensure that I make, at most, a very small difference, but probably not even that.”

When asked what inspired their interest in student government, the ambitious student cited their love of ineffective representational systems as their main influence.

“I just love putting a lot of time and effort into something and coming up with absolutely nothing in return. I’m so lucky to be able to practice the skill of getting nothing done as a legislator before I run for office after college.”

When asked about their plan to address on-campus racism, the SA member-to-be commended those fighting for systemic change, adding that they can’t wait to see what they do.

Government Class Hoping Conservative Student Says Something They Can Really Tear Into

MCGRAW HALL — During a discussion on federal influence on the implementation of local policies, a lecture hall full of Government majors sat waiting in gleeful anticipation, ready to combat a conservative student’s views as he began to answer a question.

“I kept waiting to rip him apart for saying something bigoted about marriage equality or immigration, but he just continued to drone on about the tax code,” said a visibly frustrated Chelsea Trout ‘19.

To the disappointment of the room, the student simply raised his hand to mention knowledge he had gotten about the topic at hand from a research paper done in a previous class.

“I was so busy thinking about the exact arguments I could rapid-fire reply with that I didn’t actually hear what he said,” added Jay Muller ‘20.

Despite the non-controversial nature of his response, the class agreed that the student’s values were unquestionably deplorable.

Government Major Convinced He Would Probably Be Great President

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — Admitting that it will probably happen in his bright future, Government major Conrad Davis ’17 is convinced that he could actually be a great president someday.

“I know it’s a long shot, but I’d do a good job,” Davis said, his voice resonating with the leadership of a true patriot. “I’ve been passing almost all my Government classes, and I know that I’m right about everything.”

One of Davis’ classmates, Ari Hoboken ’17, concurred. “He’s overbearing and awful in section, so I try not to interact with him,” she said. “That sounds like presidential material.”

Davis stated that he probably has everything he needs, except a little real-world experience.

“I’ve got a trust fund that could start off my campaign, and ideas from class readings. Every time I start talking, people get really quiet like they’re listening intently.”

Davis added that his mother has been telling him that he could be president ever since he was little, and she’s never wrong.