“I Have Concepts of a Plan”: Trump Scrambles to Outline Essay

MAR-A-LAGO, FL—With a looming deadline and mounting pressure from advisors, former President Donald Trump is reportedly clambering to finish his first paper’s outline for GOVT 1111: Intro to American Government and Politics. “The President is currently hard at work to deliver this outline for the American people,” said Trump campaign spokesman Steven Cheung. “Meanwhile, radical…

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Student Behind on Readings for Gov Class Thinks “Infrastructure Bill” is Charming Nickname for Burly Railway Worker

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL一Showing up late to class for the 3rd time this week, so-called Government major Davos Spalding ‘25 seemed surprised to learn that all this talk about “Infrastructure Bill” was centered around a piece of legislation and not, as he had expected, a burly, brolic, big-biceped railway engineer who’d earned the nickname through his…

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Stupid Gov Major Excited to Tell Everyone His Three State Solution to Israeli-Palestinian “Conflict”

KLARMAN HALL—During the final day of his introductory International Relations course, government major and self-described “radical centrist” Fred Pavlos ‘24 took advantage of an opportune moment in a dead silent breakout room to explain his ingenious three-state solution to the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian conflict.  “I’m sick of so many people talking about how ‘both sides’ are…

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Pelosi Credits End of Shutdown to “Sanctuary For All” Poster in Corner of Cornell Professor’s Window

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—House Speaker Nancy Pelosi addressed the nation regarding the end of the government shutdown, stating that it came as a result of the 1’ by 2’ sheet of craft paper reading “No Ban, No Wall, Sanctuary For All” in a corner window of Cornell’s own Comparative Literature Department. “Overcoming the gridlock and division…

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