ITHACA一 Oren Stephens ‘23 was in the middle of an Organizational Behavior lecture on Monday when he received three rapid calls from his mother, Susan, just letting him know that their neighbors got a new patio.
Stephens was shocked at the consecutive calls and instantly worried that something terrible had happened, immediately calling her as he left Ives Hall, with his mind racing about all of the awful possibilities. To his surprise, when Susan answered the phone she was perfectly fine and there was no emergency. “It was total bullshit, man,” said Stephens before continuing, “I thought she got in a car accident or Dad had a heart attack or something.”
According to Susan, the Johnsons (one house down from the Stephens family on Hope Lane) decided to redo their patio at the end of summer.
“I wasn’t expecting three calls during class so I thought it was something serious, but no, it was just the fucking neighbors repaving their porch or whatever a patio technically is.” continued Stephens, who had not called his mother since he first moved into his dorm this semester.
This isn’t the first time Susan has caused her children to feel alarmed with a harmless anecdote. According to Stephens, Susan will routinely text him “CALL ME” in all caps just to ask if he needs her to send him more laundry detergent. “I get it, she’s a lonely empty nester now, so she looks for reasons to talk to me, but the Johnsons’ patio isn’t exactly breaking news. I probably wouldn’t have even noticed when I went home,” said
As of press time, Stephens was seen frantically texting his mother “URGENT PLEASE PICK UP!!” after realizing he was low on Tide.
ITHACA, NY—With the new announcement that each graduating senior would receive two tickets for guests, students were delighted at the prospect of selecting which family members they’d send to the hospital for severe heat injuries.
“I was so relieved to get that email,” said Marvin Thomas ’21. “A graduation without grandparents dropping like flies and the dulcet tones of approaching ambulances? Gee, just wouldn’t feel like a real graduation, y’know?”
In previous years, graduating seniors could ensure that many, if not all of their family members could be guaranteed a brush with death. After the cancellation of the Class of 2020’s in-person commencement, graduating members of the Class of 2021 feared that they too would be unable to use their final moment of college to inflict maximum damage upon their loved ones.
“I was really at war with myself trying to decide which of my precious relatives I wanted to potentially pass out, or pass away, in the bleachers of Schoellkopf field. Then I remembered Uncle Ted has been getting a little too cocky about that new paleo diet he’s on,” noted Cassandra Lee ’21. “I’m hoping a little good-ol-fashioned sunstroke will humble him.”
While some students mean only to put their relatives in their place with a good scare, others plan to use the event for more nefarious results. “My Mee-maw has survived both world wars, the Vietnam war, and at least three occasions of something she likes to call ‘Grand-pappy’s Maritime Oopsies’.” said Tobias Peston ’21. “Frankly, I think it’s just her time now.”
In preparation for the event, emergency services have hurriedly launched an ad campaign, featuring photos of the elderly with captions like: “Beat it, Heat!” and “Sunstroke? Nah, I’ll Take Me Some Funstroke!” Response to the campaign has been tepid at best.
NASHVILLE, TN—Just in time for the holiday, Tessa Willem ‘21 made sure to call her mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day from the distant location of her upstairs bedroom.
“Even though my mom funds nearly all of my educational, living, and social expenses, I’m usually crazy busy around this time of year so sometimes it’s hard to remember,” said Willem. “Now that the family is together again, I figured I owed it to her to really go all out with a brief phone call..”
Clearly Willem’s efforts were recognized, since her mother seemed to appreciate the copious amount of time and care she put into making this Mother’s Day a special one.
“Normally when my sweet Tessa is away at college, she might shoot me a ‘happy mother’s day birthgiver :/’ text a day or two late, followed by her Venmo requesting me $38 for ‘Moonies’ or one of the other grocery stores she frequents,” said Allison Willem, loving mother of two. “The fact that she went above and beyond this year and called makes me feel so lucky to have her as a daughter.”
After the call, Willem searched far and wide on the Cornell Store website for a Mother’s Day gift, eventually settling for the same “Cornell Mom” keychain she gifted two years ago and explaining to her mom that her gift is arriving late due to COVID-19 shipping delays.
COLLEGETOWN – Amidst growing concerns over COVID-19 and the unrest caused by the current Pandemic, Jessica Springer, ‘22, has reportedly been told to come home by her shrewish, insufferable bitch of a mother.
In the past week, the Cornell community has seen classes indefinitely suspended, events of more than fifty people banned, and at the very least two cases of coronavirus have been confirmed within Tompkins county. In spite of this, Jessica’s insufferable cow of a mother still has the audacity to request that her daughter return home, as if there’s anything going on at home anyway. Springer went on to comment that “It’s honestly so fucking annoying, my roommate’s Devon’s parents are letting her stay in Ithaca, why can’t I just stay with Devon? Fucking bullshit.”
With the possibility of a nationwide lockdown arising to stem the spread of the deadly disease, many are wondering how desperate the situation in Ithaca will become. This desperation, however, pales in comparison to how desperate Jessica’s control freak mom must be to get her daughter back home. This is so typical of her, like she obviously just wants Jessica to be home so that she won’t be able to have any fun or go out anymore. This is just like in seventh grade when she didn’t let her go to the movies to watch Scary Movie 5 with Brian and Ashley because it was a school night. Fuck she’s the worst.
When questioned as to whether Jessica would be allowed to have friends over if she returned home, the mother’s hideously spiteful reply was “We’ll see honey, we need to take this social distancing stuff seriously, and right now our priority should be that we’re all safe and secure at home.” God I wish she was dead.
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA—After reading some articles about January’s armed robberies across Ithaca, my mom is reportedly pretty afraid that the thief may threaten my safety at Cornell.
“Hey, I’m checking in to make sure you’re doing okay,” my mom texted me last Sunday, presumably worried that the criminal may break into my apartment and attempt to steal my belongings. “Remember, if someone knocks on your door, don’t let them in unless you know who it is.”
It is unclear how exactly my mom learned about the string of crimes. Some speculate Rachel Schuman ’21’s mother told her, because they seem to talk about everything together.
“Every day, she tells me something new about the three different robberies,” my dad told me before listing five different Ithaca newspapers that my mom has been reading. “Could you do me a favor and text her for the next few nights that you’re locking your doors?”
As of press time, the other Cornell moms in my mother’s group chat have shifted to being more worried about the ongoing flu season.
ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY— Accustomed to home-cooked meals served in bite-sized chunks, Neil Doyle ‘21 realized that without his mom to help, he had no idea how to cut the large piece of dining hall chicken on his plate.
“There’s a bone in here,” muttered the utterly-stumped freshman, studying the inconvenient slab of meat and trying to recall what Mrs. Doyle would do. “I could use a knife, but then how would I navigate around the icky skin and gummy parts?”
Doyle prodded the lump impatiently while lamenting the troublesome presentation of his main course, which would never have happened in the comfort of his home.
“I just wish Mom was here to make a friendlier dinner that I could actually understand,” said the flustered student as he remembered the thin slices of chicken breast she would fold into his sandwiches, or the fun-sized Dino nuggets he could actually bite.
Defeated, Doyle tossed his cumbersome entree, instead opting for a bowl of off-brand Lucky Charms and calling his mother for once to tell her how much he missed her.