Tag Archives: mom

Mom Just Calling To Let You Know The Neighbors Got A New Patio

ITHACA一 Oren Stephens ‘23 was in the middle of an Organizational Behavior lecture on Monday when he received three rapid calls from his mother, Susan, just letting him know that their neighbors got a new patio.  Stephens was shocked at the consecutive calls and instantly worried that something terrible had Read More

Senior Thrilled to Pick Which Two Family Members Get Heatstroke

ITHACA, NY—With the new announcement that each graduating senior would receive two tickets for guests, students were delighted at the prospect of selecting which family members they’d send to the hospital for severe heat injuries.  “I was so relieved to get that email,” said Marvin Thomas ’21. “A graduation without Read More

Student Calls Mom to Wish Her Happy Mother’s Day From Bedroom Upstairs

NASHVILLE, TN—Just in time for the holiday, Tessa Willem ‘21 made sure to call her mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day from the distant location of her upstairs bedroom. “Even though my mom funds nearly all of my educational, living, and social expenses, I’m usually crazy busy around Read More

Bitch Mom Telling Daughter to Come Home Because of Global Pandemic

COLLEGETOWN – Amidst growing concerns over COVID-19 and the unrest caused by the current Pandemic, Jessica Springer, ‘22, has reportedly been told to come home by her shrewish, insufferable bitch of a mother.  In the past week, the Cornell community has seen classes indefinitely suspended, events of more than fifty Read More

Report: My Mom Really Worried About Recent Ithaca Armed Robberies

SOUTH BEND, INDIANA—After reading some articles about January’s armed robberies across Ithaca, my mom is reportedly pretty afraid that the thief may threaten my safety at Cornell. “Hey, I’m checking in to make sure you’re doing okay,” my mom texted me last Sunday, presumably worried that the criminal may break Read More

Freshman Waiting on Mom to Cut Up Large Piece of Chicken

ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY— Accustomed to home-cooked meals served in bite-sized chunks, Neil Doyle ‘21 realized that without his mom to help, he had no idea how to cut the large piece of dining hall chicken on his plate. “There’s a bone in here,” muttered the utterly-stumped freshman, studying the Read More