COLLEGETOWN – Amidst growing concerns over COVID-19 and the unrest caused by the current Pandemic, Jessica Springer, ‘22, has reportedly been told to come home by her shrewish, insufferable bitch of a mother.
In the past week, the Cornell community has seen classes indefinitely suspended, events of more than fifty people banned, and at the very least two cases of coronavirus have been confirmed within Tompkins county. In spite of this, Jessica’s insufferable cow of a mother still has the audacity to request that her daughter return home, as if there’s anything going on at home anyway. Springer went on to comment that “It’s honestly so fucking annoying, my roommate’s Devon’s parents are letting her stay in Ithaca, why can’t I just stay with Devon? Fucking bullshit.”
With the possibility of a nationwide lockdown arising to stem the spread of the deadly disease, many are wondering how desperate the situation in Ithaca will become. This desperation, however, pales in comparison to how desperate Jessica’s control freak mom must be to get her daughter back home. This is so typical of her, like she obviously just wants Jessica to be home so that she won’t be able to have any fun or go out anymore. This is just like in seventh grade when she didn’t let her go to the movies to watch Scary Movie 5 with Brian and Ashley because it was a school night. Fuck she’s the worst.
When questioned as to whether Jessica would be allowed to have friends over if she returned home, the mother’s hideously spiteful reply was “We’ll see honey, we need to take this social distancing stuff seriously, and right now our priority should be that we’re all safe and secure at home.” God I wish she was dead.