CUPD Releases Survey Showing 107% Approval Rating on Campus

(Original picture from Boris Tsang / Sun Photography Editor, 11/20/2020)

BARTON HALL—In a surprising display of unanimity, the Cornell University Police Department released survey results this past week showing a 107% approval rating of their performance in campus security. 

“We had a great pool of 7 respondents, 8 of whom said they had absolutely no problem with police on campus,” Police Chief David Honan commented. “We were able to recruit respondents by looking for people with uncles who are cops or have a ‘thin blue line’ flag as their Facebook background in order to make sure these respondents were a good, upstanding group of citizens.”

The survey, which was distributed in response to calls for police reform on campus, also sought information about student mental health. Despite growing cries for expanded mental health services from the greater student body, though, the survey respondents unanimously agreed they were “not a bunch of wussies” and “didn’t need safe spaces”. 

Honan assuaged students’ fears that there may be bias or inaccuracy in the survey results. “You can’t trust the polls nowadays,” he said. “Our methodology was foolproof: we flipped a coin 4 times, got heads 3 times, and then added a 75% margin of error, with tip included. That’s how Bayesian statistics works.”

Honan did not respond to questions as to how the survey obtained a -26% disapproval rating for CUPD among students of color.

CUPD to Celebrate Holiday Spirit With Christmas-Themed Parking Tickets

ITHACA—Hoping to bring some joy to what could otherwise be described as a bleak and tumultuous year, the Cornell University Police Department has decided to switch to holiday-themed parking tickets for the month of December. 

“As days get shorter and people have gone months without seeing their loved ones, we noticed that folks have been down in the dumps,” noted a spokesperson for CUPD. “Our new tickets are meant to remind people of the holiday spirit and bring a smile to their faces. When you get a ticket, we’re not just reminding you of your legal trouble. We’re also saying happy holidays!” 

Multiple versions of the tickets will be rolled out, unique to the offense. Overtime meter tickets will be emblazoned with popular character Frosty the Snowman. Double parking tickets now feature two reindeer pulling a Santa’s sleigh. Most festive of all are the prohibited area tickets, which are shaped like Christmas trees. 

“At first the $180 worth of tickets I had amassed made me want to break down in tears,” commented student Jerome Hyunh ‘22. “When I saw the sticker ornaments and glitter garlands on my Christmas tree ticket, though, it reminded me there’s more to life than the overwhelming despair I felt at the prospect of having to pay rent late for such a minor mishap!” 

Plans are currently underway to replace the typical siren emitted by CUPD cars with an infinite loop of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” throughout the holiday season.

‘What Did I Miss?’ Asks Architecture Major Leaving Studio for First Time in 18 Weeks

MILSTEIN HALL—Area architecture major Juliet Brimwire ‘21 has enthusiastically emerged from her annual 18-week-long spring studio stint, eager to reconnect with the world beyond her drafting table. 

“Every March, once I get into the thick of the semester, I’ll commit to turning off all of my electronics and not leaving Milstein Hall until I conclude all of my Spring semester work, which usually takes until early July,” said the fourth-year student.

While this is a common academic strategy among architecture majors, Brimwire did notice that this year felt a little different. 

“Yeah, the Milstein crowd did seem to thin out a bit this year, but I figured that just meant I was better at buildings than everyone else. Honestly, they missed out; it was easy to stay focused this semester: my lazy professors stopped showing up to lectures, Slope Day was really quiet, and none of my senior friends bugged me to hang out with them before graduation. It was every Archie’s dream.”

As Brimwire prepares to leave campus for the first time since August, she expressed excitement ahead of a summer of travel, entertainment, philanthropy, and hopefully, some family time.

“I live in Manhattan, but I’m heading to Miami Beach—both for the awesome club scene and to volunteer at a kissing booth that raises money for the police department,” explained Brimwire. 

“My mom’s the executive producer of the TV show ‘Cops,’ my dad’s a Vice President at this German payments company called Wirecard, and my sister’s a dancer on Broadway, so we’re essentially never all home together. It’s quirky, but each summer we try to find the time to rent a car from Hertz and drive out to New Rochelle to go to Chuck E. Cheese, shop at JCPenney, and catch a minor league baseball game.”

At press time, Brimwire was spotted sprinting back into Milstein after opening the New York Times app for the first time in 5 months. 


Masked, Crowbar-Wielding Kathy Zoner Leaves Force to Take Matters Into Own Hands

HO PLAZA—After repurposing a black satin curtain and a crowbar from the trunk of her ’97 Ford convertible, longtime police chief Kathy Zoner has left the Cornell Police force to take matters into her own hands.

Zoner’s intensity has only seemed to increase since her resignation, and many students are still adapting to the crowbar-wielding ex-cop’s vigilante activities. Jayvon Dreannen ’20 claimed to have seen a glimpse of her in Rockefeller Hall, attacking walls with her trusty crowbar. “It looked like she was wearing a cape. I’m glad she got rid of the asbestos, but it seemed a little over the top.”

Some of the vigilante’s other activities include standing pensively on the rooftop corner of the Physical Science Building while peering into the night, and sprinting up the Schoelkopf stadium steps four at a time for three continuous hours every morning.

Tanner Yorsonn, ‘22 had his own run-in with Zoner last Friday. “I was jaywalking on my way to class this morning and she just came out of nowhere. Before I knew it, I was being dangled over the Thurston Avenue bridge! She kept screaming at me, asking who I was working for, I was terrified! I can’t be sure if it was Kathy Zoner, but I will definitely be sticking to the sidewalks from now on.”

It is unclear whether “The Zoner’s” newfound vigilantism will shed light on the ex-cop’s motives, but she has reportedly been spending staring at Lake Cayuga while muttering the name “Rachel…” to herself on several occasions.

Mann Steals Olin Laptop in Ongoing Rivalry Between Libraries

OLIN LIBRARY – Yesterday Mann Library, usually found on the Agricultural Quad, was seen stealing a laptop from Olin Library, further solidifying the ongoing rivalry between two of the largest libraries on campus.

“We received a report at approximately 5:35 p.m. on Tuesday of the entirety of Mann Library fleeing Olin Library with a laptop in hand, immediately followed by Mann Library going into McGraw clock tower as a means of evasion,” explained a Cornell Police report, which later said the rogue out-of-place library was escorted from the relatively undersized and partially demolished clock tower at approximately 5:55 p.m.

“We have since returned the stolen laptop back to Olin, though most of it is currently in shambles, and will reprimand Mann accordingly after reminding the library that it already has plenty of laptops of its own that it frequently loans to students.”

Mann Library was recorded as saying the theft was prompted by Olin “making fun of my distance from most buildings” and saying insults like “nobody but CALS knows about you.”