BARTON HALL—In a surprising display of unanimity, the Cornell University Police Department released survey results this past week showing a 107% approval rating of their performance in campus security.
“We had a great pool of 7 respondents, 8 of whom said they had absolutely no problem with police on campus,” Police Chief David Honan commented. “We were able to recruit respondents by looking for people with uncles who are cops or have a ‘thin blue line’ flag as their Facebook background in order to make sure these respondents were a good, upstanding group of citizens.”
The survey, which was distributed in response to calls for police reform on campus, also sought information about student mental health. Despite growing cries for expanded mental health services from the greater student body, though, the survey respondents unanimously agreed they were “not a bunch of wussies” and “didn’t need safe spaces”.
Honan assuaged students’ fears that there may be bias or inaccuracy in the survey results. “You can’t trust the polls nowadays,” he said. “Our methodology was foolproof: we flipped a coin 4 times, got heads 3 times, and then added a 75% margin of error, with tip included. That’s how Bayesian statistics works.”
Honan did not respond to questions as to how the survey obtained a -26% disapproval rating for CUPD among students of color.