Cornell Administration Pleads for Understanding, Only Capable Of Empathizing “With One Minority Group At A Time”

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In the wake of horrendous hate crimes committed against Asian-American women, Cornell University Administration has reiterated its commitment to improving as an anti-racist institution, as long as they don’t have to focus on fixing more than one thing at a time.

“Last May, in the wake of widespread protests, we put out a statement committing to re-evaluating our curriculum and how we can do better, including implementing resources for minority groups and platforming more people of color,” said John Malch, a member of Cornell’s leadership. “This past week, in the midst of another round of protests, we put out another statement, telling our students how much we disavow these attacks, a full year after they started increasing. Anti-Asian hate crimes rose over 150% in 2020, which we have acknowledged now, in March 2021, because we’re a progressive institution dedicated to addressing problems as soon as they become impossible to ignore.”

Cornell University has a long track record of changing in the face of overwhelming public pressure, from divesting from fossil fuels after widespread protest and outrage, to making Ibrahim X. Kennedy’s How to be an Antiracist available on Canvas after widespread protest and outrage. They also stood by a professor publicly defending police violence and retweeting anti-mask rants, because it’s much easier to admonish 20-year-olds for being irresponsible than it is to hold a tenured professor to account for vocally undermining university safety protocols.

“Look, we’re trying to consider all these issues,” mentioned a prominent administrator. “But we’ve been so busy solving other problems. We addressed the BLM movement with several initiatives, put in safety measures for the COVID pandemic, and then of course we had the whole disarmament thing, which was exhausting. There just wasn’t time to thoughtfully engage with more than one specific type of oppression. I’m sure when another widespread political movement for basic human rights pops up, we’ll be right there with a strongly-worded statement, ready to fight for our public image.”

Asked whether Cornell planned to address the sexism also inherent in recent attacks, the overwhelmed administrator put their head in their hands and said they would address it at a later date, if enough people were still asking about it.

Campus Professional Fraternities Compete to See Who Can Most Creatively Reject Students of Color

WARREN HALL—During a rush season that was stressful for everyone, Cornell professional fraternities had a particularly difficult time competing with each other to see who could come up with the most ingenious excuse for yet another class of inductees looking like an assortment of Michael Cera’s stunt doubles, but without any of the charisma.

“Look, we selected the most qualified applicants, regardless of race, color, or creed,” said Johnathan Neal ‘21, head of a prominent business fraternity. “And it just so happened that this time around, all of the best applicants happened to share the exact same skin tone, gender, and affinity for completely unseasoned food. It’s not like we select for that kind of thing, those just seem to be the type of people attracted to a fraternity that talks about Wall Street bankers like they’re sports heroes and pretend they understand economics after one macro class.”

In an anonymous interview, one rejected rushee detailed several sources of bias in the rushing process, including an eating contest consisting entirely of Uncrustables sandwiches, a group watch party of 2018’s Green Book, and a question asked to all applicants meant to assess their love for frisbee golf.

“I’ll admit, we aren’t the most diverse group looks-wise,” mentioned recent inductee Bryce Smith. “But we have a lot of diverse backgrounds in our frat. Tom over there actually spent a semester overseas in England, whereas I spent my summer last year along the French Riviera with my father and both of his girlfriends. And beyond that, the other applicants just wouldn’t fit in with us. One guy said he thought Eminem was kind of past his prime, and that’s just unacceptable? Can you imagine hanging with that guy for a year? I wouldn’t be able to use half my workout playlist!”

Yesterday, the fraternity formally inducted its 10 homogeneous new members with the traditional screening of Fight Club, dinner from Wings Over Ithaca, and arm wrestling tournament.

“I’m Not Sure If They’ll Let Me Say This These Days,” Says Senior Lecturer About to Say Most Horrifying Thing You’ve Ever Heard

PHILLIPS HALL—Students were left horrified this Tuesday after senior lecturer Timothy Ostgarden paused his 8 am lecture to remark, “Now, I’m not sure if they’ll let me say these days,” before embarking on a thirty minute screed against women, minorities, the LGBT community, and the Irish.

“I’m disappointed in Dr. Ostgarden, to be honest,” said Riley Greenwood ‘22. “I was promised an Ivy League education, but these are high-school level slurs. And since the class is over Zoom, he couldn’t even shove me into a locker afterwards. They’re charging me full tuition for this?”

While many students echoed Greenwood’s dismay, Professor Ostgarden has seen a rally of support from the men-who-wear-suits-to-class community.

“I came to Cornell because of its strong academic tradition, and I believe this morning validated my choice,” said Charles Highlock ‘22. “Where else could I find someone who’s still fighting the good fight against the Irish? While I don’t agree with calling them ‘miserable little potato bugs,’ you have to admit, the whole ‘Irish potato famine’ thing is pretty suspicious. He’s just asking the hard questions.” 

At press time, Cornell administration promised to “denounce hatred in all forms” and “reaffirm their commitment to marginalized communities” by drawing a frowny face on Ostgarden’s next exorbitant paycheck. 

Facebook Commenter’s Description of “Cornell’s Good Old Days” Just Sounds Like Jim Crow Era South

SILER CITY, NC—In response to a Cornell Daily Sun article on campus diversity initiatives, Facebook user Alfred “Al” Dickinson ‘55 utlized the comment section to express his desire for a return to a bygone era in the university’s history—one that was apparently strongly reminiscent of the American South during the first half of the 20th century.

“Back in my day, we didn’t pretend like everyone belongs together all the time,” wrote Dickinson. “Cornell was best when my people lived up on the hill and those others lived down below. Now look at this mess! Ithaca? More like Itha-zuela!!!”

University records indicate that Dickinson, 87, graduated from CALS in 1955, although his Facebook profile indicates that he attended “The School of Hard Knocks.” Dickinson was born outside Fayetteville, Arkansas, and grew up on a sizable cotton farm owned by his father, Stonewall Dickinson, who also managed the only nearby convenience store. He later inherited the farm but moved to Siler City when Fayetteville got too “colorful” for his taste.

“Today’s Ivy League students are so dirty and lazy,” Dickinson continued. “The school lost all of its reputation from back when it was pure. It really disgusts me how all this ‘diversity and inclusion’ bullshit is putting black marks on Cornell’s snow-white reputation.”

At press time, other Facebook users braced for Dickinson’s inevitable screed after the Daily Sun posted an article on the SA disarmament vote.

Pelosi Credits End of Shutdown to “Sanctuary For All” Poster in Corner of Cornell Professor’s Window

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—House Speaker Nancy Pelosi addressed the nation regarding the end of the government shutdown, stating that it came as a result of the 1’ by 2’ sheet of craft paper reading “No Ban, No Wall, Sanctuary For All” in a corner window of Cornell’s own Comparative Literature Department.

“Overcoming the gridlock and division over the past 34 days has been no easy feat,” reported the California representative from the steps of the U.S. Capitol. “But the evocative commentary provided by the “Sanctuary For All” poster galvanized pushback against the president’s wall proposal, and helped the American people come out on top.”

While the Sanctuary For All poster is not visible from any of Cornell’s densely-populated walking areas, it does provide a constant positive message of inclusivity to the adjacent window of an empty Goldwin Smith Hall janitorial closet.

Comparative Literature Professor Roger Errin, who placed the poster in his window in November 2016, stated that “the 4, maybe 5 people who see the poster each day were definitely inspired by its acerbic delivery and progressive stance. But if even one person saw it, I would’ve been happy.”

While Errin was always proud to stand against the racial division of the current administration, he has been especially pleased to watch the poster change hearts and minds across the country.

Martha Pollack Curls Up With Campus Climate Surveys To Read Before Bedtime

DAY HALL— Slipping on her Cornell-branded flannel PJs, President Martha Pollack snuggled under the covers and opened up the results of the Campus Climate Surveys for her nightly bedtime story.

After urging every single one of Cornell’s almost 15,000 students to take the survey, President Pollack eagerly read all twelve responses while sipping a warm mug of Cornell dairy whole milk. “I am dedicated to improving the environment for all students,” she declared, “and nothing helps me unwind after a long day’s work like reading scathing indictments of our toxic campus culture.”

“The student feedback provides a rollercoaster of a story,” said Pollack. “Just like my favorite bedtime read The Berenstain Bears, the surveys help me drift off to sleep by filling my head with fantastical tales. Except instead of fun mammals, there’s racism.”

By 9:45 on the dot, Martha flipped off her night light and went to sleep, dreaming that she was standing atop the slope with a cape waving behind her, with the Presidential Task Force armed and ready for battle.

Cornell Quarterback Takes Knee To Run Out Clock

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—With five seconds left in the first half of today’s game against Harvard, quarterback Logan Moore ‘19 showed solidarity with African American victims of police brutality by taking a knee on his own three-yard line.

“The entire stadium was silent. Of course, that’s pretty on par for a Cornell football game, but this time it felt different,” said Jake Lin ’20, one of the game’s attendees. “Today, our quarterback showed the world that he could not ignore discrimination, or the chance of a last-second turnover becoming an easy touchdown for Harvard.”

While many prominent NFL players have recently sought to bring attention to police violence by kneeling during the national anthem, before today no such protest had actually occurred during gameplay, or had been a strategic move to end the first half.

Fans saw the Big Red’s act of solidarity as a moral victory in spite of the loss, not realizing Cornell actually won the game.

OP-ED: See? We Changed the Name of the Plantations and Fixed On-Campus Racism!

by Associate Dean of Students Charlotte Beaufort

When the Black Students United group came forward with their demand to change the name of the Cornell Plantations, citing the racial undertones that ‘plantations’ conveyed, the Board of Trustees had a long discussion of what to do. We eventually decided that, yes, the name should and would be changed to the Cornell Botanic Gardens, a title that is in no way associated with slavery. And just like that, we accomplished something that other college campuses have been trying to do for years: we eliminated on-campus racism completely.

Huh, that was pretty easy! Thank god we don’t need to put any more effort into this subject matter!

We never anticipated that changing the name of a campus woodland area would relieve all cultural tensions overnight, but we sure are glad that it did. No need to add mandatory coursework to expose students to issues of identity, or hire more people of color at Gannett so that non-white students might feel comfortable reaching out for physical and mental help, because there’s not an ounce of racism on this predominantly Caucasian campus anymore. Sure, the majority of career services officers are as pale as a glass of milk, but that’s not racist, right?

No, it can’t be. We just addressed a racism issue. That must be the last of them!

And besides, we couldn’t be expected to change everything that a small subset of people was upset about. That’s not fair to all of our students. All of our predominantly Caucasian students, to reiterate myself.

Oh, one thing- technically we’re changing the name of the Plantations because we feel that the current name doesn’t accurate reflect the number of flowers that are there. That’s what we said publicly, at least. We wouldn’t want rich white alumni donors to get mad at us for changing the name in order to appease the desires of a specific group of students! So when you tell people about the name change, make sure you mention the flowers thing too.

So start celebrating, because the days of racial conflict at Cornell University is long in the past. And be sure to enjoy the Cornell Botanic Gardens this fall! I’m sure one of our fantastic, white plant science professors would be happy to give you a tour.