Nooz Staff April 17, 2018

Martha Pollack Curls Up With Campus Climate Surveys To Read Before Bedtime

DAY HALL— Slipping on her Cornell-branded flannel PJs, President Martha Pollack snuggled under the covers and opened up the results of the Campus Climate Surveys for her nightly bedtime story.

After urging every single one of Cornell’s almost 15,000 students to take the survey, President Pollack eagerly read all twelve responses while sipping a warm mug of Cornell dairy whole milk. “I am dedicated to improving the environment for all students,” she declared, “and nothing helps me unwind after a long day’s work like reading scathing indictments of our toxic campus culture.”

“The student feedback provides a rollercoaster of a story,” said Pollack. “Just like my favorite bedtime read The Berenstain Bears, the surveys help me drift off to sleep by filling my head with fantastical tales. Except instead of fun mammals, there’s racism.”

By 9:45 on the dot, Martha flipped off her night light and went to sleep, dreaming that she was standing atop the slope with a cape waving behind her, with the Presidential Task Force armed and ready for battle.

Like This!