WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL STAIRCASE—In a landmark win for woman across the nation and Cornell University’s campus, Sophie Yaxley ‘24 witnessed the unthinkable as a girl “man-walked” up the stairs two-at-a-time in a “watershed moment” for gender equality.
“I didn’t even know we had the ability to do that,” said Yaxley ‘24, “I was absolutely stunned. But despite my pure shock that such a delicate, fragile, womanly frame could even muster up that kind of strength, I felt immensely proud that I witnessed the first woman to do it. I was reminded of feminst trail blazers like Alice Paul or Judith Butler, and it was breathtaking to watch. You go girl.”
Such forward-thinking, unwomanly acts brought Cornell Republicans up in arms to fight against the degradation of Western society.
“This is an egregious affront to our country’s moral compass,” said Cornell Republicans member Matt Drone ‘23. “Women, walking up the stairs, two-at-a-time? Next thing you’re going to tell me is that they like to jump down the last three steps. We need to go back when America was great, before radical feminism, when girls would blow over at the slightest gust of wind.”
However, the anonymous woman who completed the feat was also met with a bounty of high praise. Feminist, Gender, and Sexuality Studies professor Portia Wells called it “One for the history books,” noting that “These long strides will lead to huge future breakthroughs, where one day women of all walks of life may even be able to slide down the railing all suave-like.”
This triumph for women inspired an increase in men breaking gender barriers as well, tens of men across campus vowing to wash their hands after going to the bathroom.
HOLLISTER HALL—Despite recent efforts to become more diverse and inclusive of women, the College of Engineering has made sure to keep the women’s restroom options limited in Hollister Hall as a friendly reminder of our place in society.
“One of the things that drew me to Cornell was how welcoming it was, especially for women in a field such as engineering,” said Priya Yadav ‘25. “However, I was definitely shocked and disappointed when I left my math discussion and realized I had to go all the way to the arts quad to find an available bathroom.”
Other female engineering students had mixed feelings about the lack of restrooms, and opted to look on the bright side of the situation.
“Everytime I’m on the third floor of Hollister and realize I need to go to the second to relieve myself, I like to use that realization as a reminder to stay grounded,” said Ellen Choi ‘24. “It’s kind of like when Patrick from thermo corrects my homework and I definitely got the answer wrong, it keeps me humble.”
As of press time, construction workers were seen demolishing the women’s restrooms in Duffield Hall.
I’m an intelligent guy. I got a four on the AP Biology exam three years ago, so I’d say I know pretty much everything there is to know about science. So when my BIOG 2020 professor seemingly addressed a question to my female classmate this morning, I knew I had to jump in.
It’s not that I don’t respect my female classmates; of course not. It’s just that I have a busy schedule of sucking the samples off my professor’s dirty Keens the second lecture ends, and I can’t have some woman talking about shopping for thirty minutes making class run late. I think my twenty minute explanation saved the class a lot of time, and it only took the professor an additional fifteen minutes to go over everything I got wrong.
Some may say that I’m disregarding the females in my class by so callously speaking over them, but I’ll have you know that I love women. Specifically, my mother, who drives over every weekend to wash my big boy undies and make me crustless sammies. I’m sure if a woman ever contributes anything to science, I’ll respect a second woman as well.
If I am wrong and the professor really meant to address my femoid classmate, who may at this very moment be considering leaving STEM forever because of the way men treat her, let me face the social consequences for interrupting a woman: Literally fucking nothing. I’m excited not to see her next lecture!
URIS HALL— The VP of Operations for Cornell’s Scales Acapella, Crystal Rojas ’21, confirmed she just wants people to like her, showing her love with twelve reminder emails about her survey.
“I’m so grateful to be on E-board, and even happier to be your friend,” said Rojas, completely unaware of the growing disregard for her surveys, Calendar invites, and Facebook event notifications.
Last month Rojas attempted to make daily hangout sessions mandatory, but was overruled by every single other member.
“I voted her in because she was the only one running, and she seemed fine,” said Josephine Ahn. “But the Beyoncé and Rihanna GIFs in her emails really reek of desperation. I don’t even know when the next practice is because it’s like reading a Buzzfeed article.”
Following the bi-weekly practice where she was mostly ignored by the other girls, Rojas posted a group photo on Instagram, thanking the members of Scales Acapella for being the best friends and “sisters I never had.”
Just yesterday, my professor encouraged us to ask questions and not to feel embarrassed if we didn’t understand something. Yet when I asked later in lecture whether women are, in fact, people, she totally flew off the handle!
I was dumbfounded. She completely flipped out, and it was RIGHT after she said there’s no such thing as a stupid question. Talk about HYPOCRISY!
Suddenly I had this woman yelling at me in front of my peers; I thought this was supposed to be a SAFE SPACE! All I was doing was following her lead and asking questions, merely trying to learn more about whether these strange inferior creatures/primates with more makeup could be classified as people.
Such a DISGRACE to Ezra Cornell’s any person, any study. In this institution of higher learning, I demand the right to have an environment where I can be the inquisitive scholar I was BORN to be.
CARPENTER HALL—A new report released by the College of Engineering reveals that for the first time since the university’s founding, women comprise 50% of Engineering enrollment and an unprecedented 10% of talking time in class.
“It’s incredible, I’m surrounded by women in every class I go to now—and one even talked in my algo lecture last Monday,” said Jacob Tullson ‘21. “Her comment was so insightful that some guy even raised his hand to repeat what she said immediately afterwards.”
The university has been quick to promote the new development, including updating admissions brochures to advertise that the 10% talking time eclipses Harvard’s 5% and Princeton’s measly 3%. “We could not be more excited by the news that our college is such a safe space that women feel comfortable talking 10% of the time,” stated Engineering Dean Priebus Rawlins. “If only I could convince my wife to do the same!”
No women could be reached for comment.
DAY HALL — A recent report by the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights, which named Cornell the university with the highest number of active Title IX investigations, has landed atop a growing heap of Title IX emails in the university’s spam folder.
“Initially, I was pleasantly surprised by how bare the Cornell email was. Turns out everything that might upset the trustees has been going into spam, which works for me until I have to sort it out,” said administrative assistant Fred Reed.
The agglomeration is only expanding, with every new investigation generating legions of emails with the phrase “Title IX,” which automatically sort into the spam folder. “I’ve color coded the different types of discrimination — gender as pink and socioeconomic inequalities as green — so the spam folder looks kind of like a watermelon now, which is always fun,” added Reed.
“At a certain point, it just gets to an unmanageable size, you know? All you can do is just let it be. Maybe it’ll go away!”
Reed was unavailable for further comment after hearing that he had won a free cruise.
Today, voting closed on Student Assembly Referendum 30, which would allow free tampons and pads in campus bathrooms. Despite undeniable support from the female population at Cornell, I decided to vote no. With tuition rising by the day, it’s not Cornell’s job to give free handouts to it’s students, unless of course, they’re handing out freshly buttered popcorn in small paper bags.
As a man, I know that there is only one true basic human right that everybody shares here at Cornell, and it is access to free and readily available popcorn from the hours of 10AM-9PM in the Willard Straight Resource Center.
After Brown University started distributing free tampons on campus, thousands of Cornellians petitioned to add referendum 30 to the ballot this fall, insisting that the availability of feminine care products is a necessary step towards gender equality. Do you want to know what I think is a necessary step towards gender equality? Letting both men and women be able to pick which spices go on top of their popcorn, free of charge. That’s the American way.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against women. I’m just looking at this from a purely economic standpoint. Women have their period, what, 4-7 days a month? As a fully grown 20-year-old man, I need access to popcorn every day if I’m going to remain healthy and well fed. Not to mention, women have provided themselves with their own sanitary products for the entire history of this university. Why all of a sudden do women need tampons for free? If we all got together and determined that women liked chocolate, would we make chocolate free? Of course not. It makes no sense, unless we’re talking about popcorn – a snack that transcends gender.
I have never used money to purchase popcorn, and I intend to keep it that way. To exchange currency for my favorite salty treat would be a violation of my human rights.
I’ve never used a tampon, not even once. Every person eats popcorn. While it may be hard for a female student to focus on her coursework while menstrual fluid gushes onto her lecture hall seat, every Cornellian knows the feeling of hunger and fatigue in your 2:55 class caused by lack of freshly popped corn. Let’s make sure our tuition pays for something that matters: everyone’s favorite greasy movie theater snack.