February 26, 2014

End of Official Pledging Period Leads to Exciting “Don’t You Fucking Tell Anyone” Pledging Period

ITHACA, NY – With the Cornell-mandated fraternity initiation deadline fast approaching, university liaison Travis Apgar announced that associate members would now be entering the unofficial “Don’t You Fucking Tell Anyone” period of the pledging process. “It feels good to leave behind our antiquated system of spending 8 weeks openly combating hazing so that we can progress forward with a new system in which we care for 4 weeks and then force fraternities to continue hazing in greater, more dangerous secrecy for the remaining time,” said Apgar, who went on to express his excitement for the coming weeks, as he would be spending them on the beach in Punta Cana.

Reports applauded the expectation that the 2-period structure will reduce the number of reported student injuries by half, noting that any harm caused during the “DYFTA” period will result in serious consequences so fraternities “better keep their shit on the D.L. if they know what’s good for them.”

New members have also expressed their excitement for the upcoming switch. A freshman wishing to remain anonymous told Nooz, “I can’t wait for what’s coming next. The brothers told me that if a university official asks, I’m a brother. But if any brother asks, I’m nothing. I can’t wait to keep my mouth shut about all of this or so help me God, I’ll be sorry. They didn’t tell me what to say if I spoke to a reporter.” At press time, fraternities across campus were preparing for their first registered wet mixers of the semester.

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