OP-ED: How to Drive Through East Ave Without Getting Caught

Over the past few months, a sickening display of inconvenience has been hurled at drivers on this campus. Already suffering at the hand of obscure and sadistic parking regulations, drivers were punished once more when the CUPD closed off the most popular street on campus for no apparent reason whatsoever.

What? Do they expect us to drive all the way around West Campus or through the plantations? Across Beebe Lake? Perhaps a detour through Binghamton while we’re out and about? They must be out of their minds. Do you have any idea how out of the way that is, or how much gas we’d have to blow through? We should not- cannot – be subjected to such time-consuming, wasteful, eco-unfriendly tyranny.

As such, I have compiled a list of foolproof methods to help my fellow motorists get around these new traffic restrictions:

  • Only drive between police shifts.

  • If you’re pulled over, just tell the cops you didn’t know the street was closed off because you don’t go here. (When they ask why you have a Cornell decal on your back window, just tell them that you have a strong admiration for the school – especially it’s famous and totally under-budgeted police force).

  • Gather a rag tag team of buddies to monitor the A.D. White House driveway and area next to Rand Hall where the cops hang out. Use walkie-talkies to relay if the coast is clear by using words like “deputy,” “roger,” and “over-and-out.”

  • Better yet, set up a system of cameras that monitor the areas where the police hang out, and install a monitor in your car that will show the live-feed. It’s kind of illegal, but I know a guy downtown that will do it, no questions asked.

  • Befriend one of the police officers that monitor East Ave. He’ll become your bro and bros won’t screw over bros – proven fact.

  • Romance one of the police officers that monitor East Ave. If you gain access to his/her heart, you gain access to the road. (Note: The female officer that watches from the A.D. White House driveway between 10pm-2am on Wednesdays is actually pretty cute).

  • As Doc Brown once said, “We don’t need roads.” CUPD will be so busy watching for people driving through East Ave, they will never expect anyone to haul ass directly through the Arts Quad.

  • Form a student protest and blockade the detour routes. When no one is able to move in and out of campus, the cops will figure out rather quickly who’s really in charge.

  • Occupy Willard Straight. That worked really well last time I think.

  • Hijack a TCAT bus and drive that thing up and down East Ave as many times as you please.  Remember, busses are allowed!

  • Use above mentioned TCAT as a new underground transportation system. Ferry students back and forth. The cops will just think you’re just a normal bus driver.

  • Instead of pretending to be a TCAT bus driver, actually become one. The application can be found here.  Now you can drive that sweet, sweet, East Ave strip all day long and baby, there ain’t nothing the five-o can do to slow you down. You stay golden.

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