ITHACA, NY – Incoming freshman and international student Boris Katyaldev confirmed today that he was incredibly excited for the unique opportunity to attend an American university and get absolutely plastered while there.
“All of my family back home encouraged me to look to America to go to college, and now that I’m actually here, I can’t wait to be exposed to the learning system, get to know the students and faculty, and of course get incredibly hammered next weekend at that frat party that I’ve been hearing so much about,” stated Katyaldev, who had begun to adapt to the American lifestyle by training himself to stay up until three in the morning and eating Cheetos regularly.
“My village was so proud when they found out that I would be attending the legendary Cornell University, known for its amazing engineering program and amazing party scene. If I return home with only a little bit more knowledge and a much higher alcohol tolerance, I know they will all be happy.” Reporters later indicated that while it was known that Katyaldev was foreign, it was impossible to tell which country he was from.
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