Students of Hookup Culture Heritage to be Awarded Diversity Scholarships

In a noble effort to be inclusive of individuals from a wide range of backgrounds, the Cornell Office of Academic Diversity Initiatives is beginning to support students who identify as members of the campus hookup culture.

“Our mission is to include all underrepresented minorities and have students from different heritages excel,” said a spokesman from the OADI. “It doesn’t matter if you’re Hispanic, a first generation college student, or really horny all the time. We want you to succeed in all of your endeavors.”

Scholarships and benefits will be awarded to students of hit-it-and-quit-it descent, promoting a long-standing heritage of non-commitment and next-morning regret shared by members of the historically underprivileged culture.

“This is a great opportunity for people like me,” said Danny Morgan ‘17, who identifies as a man-whore. “The scholarships would help me afford condoms, lube, and STI tests. My parents and grandparents are of hookup culture, and coming from such a disadvantaged background, I didn’t have access to things like that in the past.”

The Office of Admissions has also said in a statement that those who are at least 1/16th hookup could receive a slight boost in the admissions process, granted that their application essay details how they overcame their steamiest, sexiest challenges in life.

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