February 24, 2016

People’s Champion Svante Myrick to Elbow-Drop County’s Problems

peopleschampion

ITHACA CITY HALL — Clad in his signature pitch-black leotard and sporting a headband with his logo on it, Ithaca Mayor Svante “The People’s Champion” Myrick announced an ongoing campaign to viciously elbow-drop the problems facing Tompkins County residents.

“Yeah, choke slamming the growing heroin epidemic was just the beginning,” declared the People’s Champion, pausing to kiss his right bicep. “The people of this town have elected me to hear their concerns, learn about their issues, and promptly elbow-drop those problems into oblivion,” continued Myrick, adding that he was eager to pass an aggressive agenda that included plans to “Tombstone affordable housing” and “Gorilla Press Slam the shit out of residential zoning laws.”

The elbow-drop has been Myrick’s signature legislative finishing move for the entirety of his political career, leaving many to question why other elected officials have yet to develop similar physically devastating techniques of their own.

“A lot of these politicians talk about addressing their constituencies’ issues, but if you ask me, the only way to make sure these problems stay down is a well-aimed elbow-drop straight to the gut!” declared the robust and sinewy Mayor.

As his campaign continues on, Svante Myrick was seen demonstrating a proper Figure-Four Leglock to/on Michigan’s Governor, Rick Snyder.

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