Freshman Amazed by Wide Variety of Clubs that Will Spam His Email

JAMESON — After listening to his RA list off several prominent groups on campus that will organize tables at ClubFest this Sunday, freshman Geoff Kaplan expressed amazement at the incredible number of clubs that will spam his email for the next four years of his life.

“I would have expected only three or four clubs to actually take down my NetID and follow through with informational emails chock-full of all the events I’ll never go to,” said Kaplan, “But I could have never imagined just how expansive the list is of organizations that will absolutely inundate me with event notifications, meeting summaries, and money requests.”

Kaplan explained how he couldn’t wait to sign up for Big Red Raas and Model UN so he could aimlessly click through his email for three hours every day to mark all his email as read without actually reading them.

“And to think, every single one of these emails is going to contain an overwhelming amount of opportunities for me to pretend like I care about participating in the Cornell community,” Kaplan continued. “I can’t wait to feel so involved and wanted!”

Kaplan was later informed of Denice Cassaro’s email habits and almost shed a tear of joy, blissfully unaware of the stress that he and his inbox will soon face due to rainbow comic sans and clickable content.