Landlord Walks Around Apartment Like He Owns the Damn Place

EAST BUFFALO STREET—For the third time since the start of the semester, landlord Phil Montana decided to walk around the apartment of Paco Gonzalez ‘19 as if the place belonged to him.

“He had the audacity to barge in after only three knocks and two emails in advance,” said Gonzalez. “If that wasn’t rude enough, he then decided to criticize me about how my Ziggy Marley poster over the smoke detector is a ‘fire hazard’ and how I ‘haven’t paid rent in 4 months.’ Who does this guy think he is, some sort of lord of our land?”

Not content to invade Gonzalez’s apartment alone, Montana has also been known to bring guests and show them around the entire apartment, even including both tenants’ bedrooms.

“The worst part is when he thinks he can create rules for OUR apartment. He wouldn’t even let us keep Squeakers!” said Gonzalez’s roommate, referring to the former pet mouse explicitly banned in the apartment’s lease. “I’m praying he doesn’t see the diseased rat we found in the supply closet next time he decides he can just walk in.”

Montana charged them $5,000 for the mess, then returned to his mansion, which was filled with empty cardboard boxes, live parakeets, and Cheeto-dusted carpets.

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