ITHACA—An international relations lecture took a brief and unexpected turn on Tuesday afternoon when Professor Johnathan Hendricks implied that he was in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963, which was the same day that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. “It was weird, bro,” said Daniel Gardy, ‘23 before continuing, “we were talking about the CIA’s…
DYSON—What do you do when a relationship gets stale? After years of romance, it’s hard to imagine just stepping out on all that emotion. And with my current beau, it was hard to imagine ever leaving him. We’d had too many good times together, and I knew what a sweet guy he was. I just…
DYSON—Cornell University’s business fraternities are in a state of totality after a stunning revelation has upended their very world. It all began Monday morning when during a recruiting call with Morgan Stanley, the moderator Kaity Moleeto ‘17 revealed that she had first been drawn to investment banking when a classmate in her financial accounting course…
NORTH CAMPUS—After a first few weeks filled with uncertainty and confusion, Cornell clubs have resumed their reassuring annual tradition of merciless combat over freshmen who clearly have no interest in joining those clubs. “Honestly, it’s flattering that they want me to join,” admitted John Bates ‘25. “But I’m just not the type of person they’re…
7-ELEVEN—’Twas a beautiful and romantic evening for Ithaca’s it-couple Albert Grant Wellington III ‘22 and Eleanor Theodora Johnson ‘22. While the commoners of Collegetown partook in fraternity soirees and other low class activities, these members of the Finger Lakes region’s high society spent their evening enjoying a fine dining experience like none other at 7-Eleven…
KENNEDY HALL AUDITORIUM—For a third consecutive week of lectures, ECON 1540 Professor Harold Atkinson continued to plow straight ahead with horrific mispronunciations of his students’ names. “While I appreciate Professor Atkinson’s efforts to learn everyone’s names in such a big class, I think he could probably try a little harder to say them correctly,” commented…
ITHACA- Slow walkers have long been a burden on society, but since quarantine has ended they’ve only gotten worse. I didn’t think those meandering menaces could honestly get much slower, but here we are. The most infuriating part about their speed, or lack thereof, is that they fail to consider the schedule of others and…
DAY HALL—While meeting with advisors to discuss tuition payments, Lynn Talbot ‘24 was startled to discover that her financial aid, now nearly a month and a half overdue, would be postponed further due to the office being staffed by literal cats swiping at the “postpone aid award” button all day every day. “I thought there…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Attending his Intro to American Politics course, proud conservative virgin Gerald Dumfries ‘23 began openly praising Texas’s new restrictive abortion ban, despite the fact that due to a combination of his inner and outer repulsiveness, it will be physically impossible for him to ever impregnate anyone. “Look, I’m a supporter of women’s rights,…
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Last Monday, Max Trent ‘23 and twenty of his fellow ROTC cadets boarded one of the last flights to Kabul alongside American soldiers for an enticing cultural enrichment study abroad program in Afghanistan. “I’m super excited to go to Kay-bull,” said an excited Trent, “it gets so cold here in Ithaca I’m really looking…
