Professor Begs Students to Make “Very Informed Decision” About Turning In Their Homework

MALOTT HALL—In a passionate display of wishy-washy spinelessness, math professor Audrey Cook took the first twenty minutes of her morning lecture to plead with her students to really, really think about whether they should bother handing in their homework.

“Listen, I know you all cheered last week when I said you didn’t have to do your work anymore,” Cook said, falling dramatically to her knees and clasping her hands together as if in prayer. “But with the increasing prevalence of people failing the midterm, I strongly encourage all of you to at least, you know, consider completing your homework. And maybe even turning it in, if you want! No pressure, though!”

Cook’s desperate appeal to her class’s sense of righteousness went almost completely ignored, just like the problem sets that had been due on Friday. “Honestly, this is kind of embarrassing,” said Sidney Vasquez ‘23, who has not turned in a single assignment all semester and plans to keep it that way. “If she wanted us to do the work, maybe she should’ve kept it in the syllabus.”

“I know I have no authority to make the kids do anything,” bemoaned Cook, seeming to forget all about her job of being the professor in charge of grading things. “I just hope that if I guilt-trip them and look pathetic enough, maybe the problem will go away on its own?”

As of press time, Cook had begun to weep tragically into her hands, surreptitiously glancing up every few seconds to see if any student looked concerned.

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