Tour Guide Shows Visiting Parents How to Hold Out Hand for Anxiety-Ridden Cornellian to Sniff Before Asking Them About SAT Scores

HO PLAZA–Tour guide Lupe Dimas ‘24 wowed a crowd of eager parents Friday morning by demonstrating how to gain the trust of easily frightened Cornell students before using them as their own personal measuring stick with which to compare their children.

“A lot of these parents think they can just walk up to students like at Ithaca College, but they need to understand that Cornellians are delicate creatures,” said Dimas, setting out a bowl of Monster to lure nearby students. “They’re weak and undernourished from a diet of Goldie’s soups. Many of them have been hurt by previous chem partners and are afraid to trust someone from Westchester again. Asking students about their SAT scores too quickly just once can cause them to fear social interactions for years afterwards.”

Dimas was cut off by the sound of rustling in the bushes as Shana Ephraim ‘22 emerged from the undergrowth for her daily Okenshields lunch. Dimas quickly dropped into a low crouch and offered her hand for Ephraim to sniff. Although Ephraim was initially hesitant, Dimas’s nonthreatening body language and averted eyes slowly won her over and within a matter of minutes she was eating Awake chocolates from Dimas’s hand.

“I’m glad today was successful, but asking students about their scores without proper training can be dangerous,” said Dimas once Ephraim had listed all her SAT subject tests. “Even with tender love and care, not all Cornellians can be acclimated to tour groups. I’ve seen parents lose fingers because they don’t realize scared Archies can bite. My advice to parents is to leave questions about GPA to the professionals, and not to bring up the ACT until they’ve had plenty of practice asking about extracurriculars first.”

At press time Ephraim was startled by a sudden question about AP scores, breaking the air of delicate trust and sending her sprinting back into the bushes.

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