UNKNOWN—After attempting for months to break into the Cornell Canvas mainframe, a nefarious hacker who is known as “The Marauder” on online message boards looked on in horror as the website informed him that he could not proceed without a second authentication factor. “Blast! Those conniving Cornelians foiled my Machiavellian plans yet again!” Mr. Marauder…
Los Angeles—After a completely dry semester spent playing Among Us and aimlessly staring at the ceiling of his dorm lounge, Trent Jackson ’24 began listing the names of the lying adults who told him college would be “the best four years” of his life. “My dad used to tell me his college stories: frats, bars,…
TACOMA—For the third time this month, Parker Shaw ‘23 posted a screenshot of Frank Ocean’s “Self Control” to his Instagram story, captioned “need a new Frank album ASAP.” Shaw has long awaited his musical therapy, spending the early hours of every day since August wallowing in a deep melancholy devoid of any self-awareness. “It’s gotten…
COLLEGETOWN—Tuesday is Election Day in America, which means all of the stress, hard-work, and exhaustion will culminate in victory or defeat for one major presidential candidate, in about three to four months. “I’ve spent the last four years of my life anxious about whether our gradual decline into fascism would turn into a tailspin,” said…
ARTS QUAD—During Cornell’s second virtual tour of the day, Eliza Ramirez ‘22 answered parent questions with only a hint of gritted teeth and forced smile. “Is college different now that we’re online?” she cheerfully repeated back to the Ohioan father of three, giving no indication of the dark, claustrophobic interior in which she is now…
WEST CAMPUS—In compliance with university coronavirus precautions, local hookup connoisseur and health hero Tyler Burtley ‘23 made sure to keep his latest sexual experience long enough to be COVID friendly, but not long enough to make her finish. “Look I’ve been extremely health-conscious ever since this pandemic hit: wearing a mask, social distancing, washing my…
ARTS QUAD—Well-rested and ready to tackle any threat to the safety of Cornell students, former Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner was witnessed wrestling with an anthropomorphic coronavirus in front of Goldwin Smith Hall. “It looks like Zoner was using a combination of Judo and Jiu Jitsu,” said bystander DeAndre Williams ’23. “She swept it from…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—While some attribute the mismanaged Student Assembly election and subsequent re-vote to sheer ineptitude, many critics have identified the undergraduate governing body’s utter ballot-bungling as an attempt to replicate the workings of real-life democracy. In a nine-paragraph essay published to the Cornell Subreddit, election-truther George Blast ‘21 levied pointed accusations against the Assembly….
Ok guys, here’s the dilemma: today, during my 3:05 Macro Econ class, I noticed Josh’s navy comforter wasn’t crumpled and strewn across his bed like usual. The day was going so well – I had found the good lighting and my best angle before joining the zoom call and pinning Josh like I do every…
DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit. “Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem with how they count cases….
