Cornell has always been a trailblazer, and I must start by commending the university, which began admitting women in 1872, only seven years after its founding. Since its inception, Cornell has been at the forefront of the struggle for the equality of people who mensturate, and can finally say it provides free access to period…
WEST CAMPUS—To the displeasure of his roommates, enthusiastic Redditor Alexander Nettle ‘22 returned to campus armed with months of reddit-conducted COVID research. When his roommate asked him what the highlight of his summer was, Nettle launched into a lengthy commentary on COVID-19. “This all happened because Americans don’t understand exponential growth. If I were President,…
HUNTINGTON, NY—Following her first steps into the “real world” making life-altering decisions like where to work or where to live, Justina Alvaro ’20 was faced with her most difficult choice yet: whether to ask her Facebook friends to celebrate her accomplishments or feel bad for her. “I know, whatever I choose, that this will be…
DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty. University stakeholders have been weighing in from all sides with overwhelmingly favorable responses…
BETHE DINING HALL—Following weeks of anticipation over what form the university’s meal plan rebate would take, Cornell Dining unveiled a grotesque 24-hour all-you-can-eat marathon food bonanza. “We are offering enough food to cover half a semester’s meal plan: buckets of sun-dried tomato pasta, seasoned black beans in a tub, and roasted peppers,” said a sweating…
CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.” Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant contingent of the Class of…
WILMINGTON, DE—Following a rallying end-of-semester speech from Salsa Club’s president, G-Body members were left staring at a Zoom dialogue box after meeting host VP Doug Bowens ’21 brazenly chose the “End Meeting for All” function. “This was my last club meeting as a Cornell student,” reminisced woeful President Devon Andes ’20, awkwardly closing the dialogue box…
ZOOM SERVERS—Members of the Cornell Flyer project team have spent the last 90 seconds sitting patiently on the team meeting Zoom call while teammates Sarah Chen ’21 and Jacob Thomas ’22 engaged in an ongoing discussion about a TV show they both like. “I was all set to ask a question about the shape of…
NASHVILLE, TN—Just in time for the holiday, Tessa Willem ‘21 made sure to call her mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day from the distant location of her upstairs bedroom. “Even though my mom funds nearly all of my educational, living, and social expenses, I’m usually crazy busy around this time of year so…
LONG ISLAND—Following the removal of a 2-day shipping option, Maria Prescott ’21 expressed her frustrations over the personal inconvenience of an international crisis that has taken over 200,000 lives worldwide and left millions more unemployed. “Shipping situation a nightmare; @fabletics & @lululemon need to get those trucks moving,” tweeted Prescott, unaware that an outbreak at…
