“Halloweekend Was A Movie” Says Freshman Who Saw Two Girls Kiss

NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween weekend, typically a staple of Cornell student culture, returned in full force after COVID-19 decimated last year’s celebrations. For many students, this was their first chance to experience a true, in-person Halloween at Cornell. After weeks of building excitement, students were eager for the big weekend to arrive and early reports indicate that it did not disappoint.

“Halloweekend was a fucking movie, bro” said Peter Greenfield, ‘25. “I got the invite to Sigma something’s party at their house and it was insane. I walked in the door and the first thing I see is two absolute smoke shows making out. Like with tongue!”

Eyewitnesses on the scene confirmed that Greenfield’s account of the event was not only accurate but that it was actually even fucking sicker.

“Dude I wanted to stay in at Donlon this weekend, but Peter dragged me out,” said James Gomez, ‘25 before continuing “I’m so glad I went with him because the function was totally like Project X vibes in that bitch, man. You know when you see a couple kissing, but it’s like a guy and a girl? It was just like that except they were both girls! It was so badass.”

At press time, Greenfield and Gomez speculated that their next best chance to “peep some yiddies” at a holiday party was most likely Election Day, maybe Thanksgiving at the latest.

All Three Cornell For Biden Members Throw Election Party

COLLEGETOWN—Following President-Elect Joseph Biden’s historic victory over Donald Trump, Cornell for Biden President Andrew Beauregard ‘23 decided to host a certified banger with the club’s other two members in his studio apartment. 

Preparing all week for this night, Cornell for Biden’s Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer, Outreach and Health Officer Nicholas Hunt ‘22 spent hours planning the logistics of the party while endlessly refreshing the electoral map. “I had stayed up all night worrying about Cornell’s restrictive 10-person gathering limit, but when I scrolled through our five person GroupMe, two of which had the chat muted, I realized we would be okay.”

Despite Cornell’s policies overtly dissuading students from hosting parties, Beauregard defended his decision. “While other students go about making a ruckus about Mr. Trump, I think it’s more important to celebrate the victor. I, for one, cannot wait for the return of 90s-era neoliberal imperialism under the helpful patronage of a smiling, old, and pretty-darn creepy white dude. It’s been far too long!”

The “party’s” final attendee and self-described devil’s advocate Joseph Hittle ‘23 described his group-membership as a necessary evil. “I find progressives to be immature idealists which is why I’m a member of Cornell for Biden. It tells people that despite not believing all that progressive malarkey, I’m also not racist. Students need to find groups that support nuanced political opinions like mine.”

At the end of the party, a drunk Beauregard quietly slurred to his two political confidantes that this was all a front, and his first choice would have been Jeb Bush. 

OP-ED: Frat Bro Want Go Party Now

ALPHA BETA GAMMA — Hello! Me name Dylan Williams. Dylan like go party and drink lots, have good time.

Is there party now? Dylan want party now! We go party soon, so Dylan have fun with different people than normal.

Drinking at party good for Dylan, and Dylan very happy. Maybe Dylan even do handstand on beer bucket! Handstand good way to make friends. More friends more good. Dylan very popular guy, everyone think so.

Dylan hate hangover. Hangover make Dylan sad. But hangover not happen until morning and party happen now! Go party go!

Dylan like meet pretty girl. Pretty girl love Dylan, why not Dylan and pretty girl do things together? Dylan like things.

At party, Dylan can be real self. Dylan fun, friendly guy who love party and beer and party. Sometime, it good to unwind and forget about little thing.

Freshman Has Memory of Record 4 Nights of Wet Week

WEST CAMPUS — In an unprecedented sweep, Abigail Sanchez ‘20 remembered four entire nights of wet week, smashing the previous school record of two.

“It’s all about the technique and staying hydrated,” said Sanchez, still visibly hungover. “You have to pace yourself until the end, and then give it 100% and finish strong.”

The record was clinched on the third night when, in thrilling display of strength, Sanchez politely declined to do another shot, ensuring her recollection of the night remained intact and complete.

The emerging talent attributed part of her success to her mental preparation. “Before this week, I visualized exactly how it would go, from my subtly sexy alien outfit to pretending to enjoy Franzia. This helped me keep my head in the game.”

Sanchez, in shock over her achievement, still remembered to thank her friends. “I couldn’t have done it without my crew,” she said, fondly recalling those who carried her home last night.

Party On Lockdown After Pong Ball Makes A Break For It

COLLEGETOWN – Putting the entire dance floor on red alert, a Collegetown party went on lockdown last night after the ball from the beer pong game attempted to make a break for it.

“The hosts have the situation under control and are confident they will recover the escaped pong ball shortly,” said partygoer Michael Marks ‘18 after establishing a perimeter patrol around the table in case any other balls tried to bust out.

“More than anything we want to avoid anyone stepping on the ball in an act of vigilante justice and aim to return it back to the water cup unharmed. After that, we will need to reconsider our confidence in the lackluster pong team whose poor oversight let things get this out of hand.”

The ball was last seen underneath the radiator before slipping past a unit of clumsy fingers to evade capture.

Couple’s Cigarette and Lung Costume A Good Sign They’re Breaking Up Soon

COLLEGETOWN — Actively indicating they will destabilize their crumbling relationship by the end of the night, juniors Katie Riley and Jason Daniels arrived at a Halloween party in a cigarette and lung couple costume, a pretty good sign that they will soon be breaking up.

“We’re going through a rough patch at the moment,” said Daniels, whose festive medical attire together with his girlfriend is an assured indicator that their six months together are coming to a firey end.

The two emotional wrecks, expressing throughout the night that the past two years have been a total waste, eagerly posed for pictures in their cute but ultimately egregious choice of Halloween outfit.

“I just feel sorry for them,” said fellow partygoer Julie Dryzek ‘19, as her and her boyfriend in their peanut butter and jelly costumes danced happily to the spooky music. “I can’t imagine what the decision process was like for that costume. They must have already known by then.”

Sources confirmed that after the party was over the two drunkenly stumbled into the mud, ruining their costumes in addition to any hope of a future together.

Freshman Gives Up On Losing Virginity After Failing to Hook Up During O-Week

MEWS HALL– After failing to hook up during his first weekend of college, Freshman Jonny Waters is convinced that he will never fulfill his dream of losing his virginity and will therefore remain celibate for the rest of his life.

“I went to a ton of parties, met some girls, but wasn’t able to seal the deal,” Jonny said while searching on Amazon for chastity belts. “I even got a girl’s number on the first night of O-week, and I thought that in a few days I would’ve hooked up with her at least three or four times.”

“Going into the weekend, I told myself that if I’ll ever have sex, it’s now or never. And apparently, it’s going to be never,” Jonny mumbled, while gloomily looking at a box of condoms still in the shrink wrap that he then chucked into the garbage fully knowing they were never going to be used.

However, Jonny is taking the news in stride, as he was seen in his lounge adding a one gallon bottle of hand lotion to his Amazon order.