French Department Faculty Fined For Tampering With Smoke Detectors

ITHACA, NY -Cornell Univeristy’s French Studies department has received several citations from the city of Ithaca’s Fire Department for tampering with smoke detectors in Goldwin Smith Hall. During a routine fire inspection, several alarms were found with plastic bags sealed over them while others were simply removed from their bases. Fire Department Chief Fred Ogilvy told CU Nooz that “members of the french department have been compulsively smoking throughout their offices on the third floor.”

Department Chair Francois Langouix explained that “this was all a misunderstanding,” blaming the damaged detectors on the German Department. Langouix explained that the German Department used to occupy the French Department’s offices and that it was their faculty that had, in fact, been “responsible for the damaging of college property.”

Langouix went on to explain that the “this was not the first, but second time the German department” had created “drama” in Goldwin Smith hall and further went to list French Faculty complaints with the English Department, American Studies Department and Romance Language Department. When asked if these allegations were true, Arts & Science Dean told CU Nooz to “not listen to the French Department” because “they’re usually full of shit” and “have yet to accomplish anything productive” beyond “continuously losing their office space to competing departments.”