COLLEGETOWN- A roving pack of freshmen numbering somewhere between 15 and 25 was reported around the Collegetown area last night terrorizing parties. Residents are advised to take precautions against the feral creatures, says CUPD representative Trisha Brenning.
“Around this time of year, these packs of young adults can easily form when one of them decides to try and find a party in Collegetown. Inevitably, at least fourteen other hallmates, desperate for companionship, will invite themselves to come along,” explains the expert in the migration patterns of the still maturing creatures.
Brenning also laid out a number of precautions that Collegetown residents should take. “These packs are usually disproportionately male, so if you’re having a party, be sure to put only men on the porch to scare them away. They should try to appear as large as possible. Remember, these animals think that walking up to a door and knocking is an acceptable way to find a party, so it’s of utmost importance that you lock your doors.”
Brenning also reminded residents that it is not yet open season on freshmen, so it will not be legal to hunt the pack and thin its numbers until Rush starts.