THE HEAVENS – As Cornell struggles through one of the coldest stretches in recent memory, local reports indicate that even the Lord Almighty himself is wondering when this intolerable weather will let up.
“It feels like it’s been under 10 degrees this whole semester, and classes haven’t even been canceled yet? I mean what are the odds of that?” pondered the mighty and omnipotent God, who watched over the campus from His relatively warm and dry heavenly throne.
“At this rate, I bet it snows all the way into May. But who knows? I created the universe, but I’m not a fortune teller.”
God later went onto say that the prayers and complaints of Cornell students in reference to the cold would not really do anything, so they might as well suck it up and trudge through the snow if they wanted to make it to their 9:05 on time.