LANSING — Citing his unlimited free time, complete lack of responsibility, and lingering sense of childlike wonder, area middle school student Dennis Roberts is having a far more fulfilling and enjoyable summer than you.
“Most days I wake up at around 11:30, have a big plate of waffles for breakfast, and then bike to meet Joey at our club house,” says Dennis.
Sources say that, in contrast to Dennis’ lifestyle, most days you can barely find the willpower to get out of bed for your mind-numbing internship, and when you finally do force yourself up, it is almost always too late to even pour a bowl of cereal, so you just eat the rest of the fries that came with the fast food you had for dinner.
“After I meet Joey, we usually go swimming in the quarry or hang out by the rail yard and watch the trains go by,” continued Dennis. “ If it’s raining we’ll play Mario Kart or Super Smash Bros on Joey’s Wii.”
Following a ninety minute commute to work from your run-down apartment, you complete menial tasks for eight hours, like delivering coffee and organizing paperwork for people who refuse to look you in the eye or call you by name.
Dennis concluded his interview by saying that he usually ends his day by watching the sunset with his new girlfriend Samantha at the Austin Park overlook, and that he wished “the summer would never end.”
Sources say that you’re starting to forget you even have a name.
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