Alert Email Warns Students of Rogue Kathy Zoner

ITHACA – An email received by students and faculty this morning provided a warning that during the previous night, a rogue Kathy Zoner had been seen at large in Collegetown.

“At 11:45 yesterday evening, a figure later determined to be Cornell Chief of Police Kathy Zoner was reported to be wreaking havoc outside of Collegetown Bagels,” the email read, later going on to say that Zoner repeatedly tried to give advice to passing strangers while encouraging everybody to watch out for flash floods.

“The suspect is still being searched for at this time, but leads indicate that she is most likely still on Cornell’s campus and is definitely nowhere near the gorges, especially at this time of night when the gorges are most dangerous.”

A follow-up email later advised students that any tips on Zoner’s whereabouts should be prefaced by a trite but clever pop culture reference.

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