Dale Barbaria — Barbaria’s high school yearbook awarded this engineering student from New Rochelle the title “Most Likely To Be A Student Assembly Representative At Cornell University”
Nelson Billington — From Washington D.C., Billington promises that, if elected Freshman Representative, he will use his new position to impress girls.
Marissa Block — Block’s main campaign platform is to strengthen communication between the administration and undergraduate classes in order to grow the student body’s shrill, annoying voice on campus.
Reeve Carver III — After the popular Reeve Carver I and Reeve Carver II editions, the newest model of Reeve Carver is by far the most electable to date.
Traciann Celestin — Celestin assures she will do her best to represent the Freshman class and avoid the use of Cornell’s nuclear codes unless war is absolutely unavoidable.
Varun Devatha — Devatha isn’t like other candidates.
Alex Hutchins — An Asian Studies major from Northern California, Hutchins will advocate for greater freedom of speech on campus, motherfucker.
Bobby Jindal — Promises to defund Planned Parenthood and repeal Obamacare.
Miranda Kasher — A hotel student fighting for more trash bins on North campus, Kasher is one of those “have greatness thrust upon them” types.
Dustin Liu — If you thought trying to increase student financial aid was hard by itself, Liu promises he will try to do the same while juggling a set of steak knives.
Alexandra Miles — This candidate is so ready to be Freshman Representative that the Board of Trustees has already started sewing her mouth shut!
Suraj Reddy — Reddy believes that his ability to make his name into a clever campaign slogan pun will elevate him above the rest of the competition.
Paul Russell — Russell’s approval rating is rising quickly among the core demographic of people he’s friends with.
Solomon Shewit — A Low Rise 6 resident, Shewit never expected to run for Freshman Representative, but one emotional trip through Fall Creek Gorge would change his life. Forever.
Emmett Tabor — A Human Ecology student from Virginia, Tabor figures being Freshmen Representative will give him access to a decent sample size to conduct sociological research.
Cyrus Zeledon — No, the other Cyrus Zeledon.
Jordan Chessin — A sophomore transfer from The Ohio State University now in the School of Hotel Administration, Chessin promises to reaffirm the widely held belief that every transfer student must have an asterisk on his/her Cornell diploma.
Matthew Guarini — Transferring from the Culinary Institute of America, Guarini promises a free gourmet lunch from Mac’s Cafe to his voting constituency.