SOCHI- The Cornell Daily Sun’s Winter Olympics coverage team has confirmed that they are experiencing unsanitary and even dangerous living conditions at their Olympic Village accommodations. “The sheets are dirty, the furniture is falling apart, and the water is unfit to drink,” reported Shirley Haverford, senior sports correspondent for the Sun and head of a…
ITHACA, NY – Two Cornell business fraternities, Delta Sigma Pi and Alpha Kappa Psi, came together Tuesday to co-host their annual alumni money bath in Willard Straight Hall. “We all look forward to this event every year,” said DSP junior Greg Alexi. “It’s a great opportunity to chat with alumni, expand our professional network, and cover ourselves from head to…
ITHACA, NY – Confusion and fear filled North Campus early this morning, when a fire started in Unit 1 of the all-girl’s dorm Balch Hall. Sources report that the cause of the fire, a mystery at first, is now being attributed to the ridiculous hotness of Balch babes. A creepy Ithaca fireman at the scene…
ITHACA, NY- Anticipating torrential rains, infestation of all crops via locusts, and crevices opening up to reveal the fiery pits of Hell, Cornell has announced that they have considered canceling classes for this Wednesday. As of now, students who have classes at times before 10 a.m. will fortunately avoid the rapture for a few more…
Ithaca, NY – After finding that a puffy layer of snow had fallen while he was sleeping, Mayor Svante Myrick could hardly contain his excitement. ” Snow Day!” he shouted, immediately rushing down stairs to put on his lucky hat and his favorite pair of mittens. “I’m gonna build a snowman, and make snow angles….
ITHACA- Sources confirmed late Tuesday that Ithaca Mayor Svante Myrick’s desire for a snow day on Wednesday had in fact come to fruition. “I made a wish and it came true!” exclaimed the bright-eyed and simple mayor, dancing around the kitchen of his Collegetown apartment, dressed in inside-out and backwards pajamas. “Woo hoo! No school!…
ITHACA –Cornell University history professor Ralph Davis was reportedly bummed to cancel his 9AM lecture this morning on Napoleon’s attempted invasion of Russia. Davis, known on campus for being a young, cool professor, told officials he had written a rap song detailing the event, which took place in 1812 and proved the last defeat for Napoleon’s French army….
ITHACA, NY- Following the cancellation of all Cornell classes prior to 10 a.m. due to the snowstorm, Hurricane Sandy was reportedly pretty hurt that Cornell didn’t even cancel any classes for her. “At my peak, I was a Category 3 hurricane with sustained winds of up to 129 mph. 129 mph! But I guess that’s…
ITHACA WASTE LAND, NY -In a statement issued to the press from the dark corner of the Chapter House, David Skorton warned students to prepare themselves for the winter storm expected to continue through Thursday. Having initially called attention to himself through a sordid laugh, the President warned the Cornell community, “Storm’s coming. I hope…
ITHACA, NY- An alert email has informed the Cornell community of a campuswide closure between 3am and 10am, in order to prevent students from travelling throughout campus during this time period. In a recent announcement, the administration justified their decision, stating, “Without this closing of campus, thousands of students might attempt to brave the elements…
